December 22, 2018

Let It Go

“Pick me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.”

Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before. Then they cried out to the LORD, “Please, LORD, do not let us die for taking this man’s life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, LORD, have done as you pleased.” – Jonah 1:12-14

It’s an awful situation. She has been to doctor after doctor. She has taken medication after medication. The sad truth is she is happy to live in her misery.

He has done all that he can. His life revolves around her doctor appointments. He has become her caregiver. He shops, cooks and cleans their home. He tenderly wraps a jacket around her shoulders. He caters to her every whim. She doesn’t appreciate what he does. If anything, she shoves him away.

He wants desperately to “fix” her, to turn their life back into what it once was. They are at a stalemate, neither happy, but neither able to change what is or let go of what could be.

The hardest part of life can be releasing expectations and accepting what you can’t change. The biggest hurt can come when you watch someone you love choose things that ultimately will kill them. If you aren’t careful, bitterness will take root as others point fingers and cast blame for a situation you are powerless to change.

Jonah had brought God’s wrath on all of those on the ship. He was determined to run from the task God had called him to. But you can’t run from God and there are consequences when you try.

Still, those on the ship wanted to save Jonah. I suppose it was more for themselves than for him. They didn’t want God’s wrath to fall on them if they tossed him overboard. Yet, that’s exactly what they did. It was necessary to save themselves.

The blunt truth is that those on Jonah’s ship couldn’t save him. God was determined to force Jonah to His will and Jonah would suffer until he submitted to God. Oftentimes, we try to force our will on someone else. We try to “fix” them and become heartbroken when it doesn’t work. We can’t seem to accept that it’s not our job to save people or change them.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done is let go of someone I couldn’t fix. I gave this person to God. I walked beside them for as long as I could, helping and loving and caring. But in the end their tussle was with God.

It’s easy to think that if we try hard enough, love deep enough, work hard enough, we can fix the lives of those we love. We can’t. Let it go. Do what you can and trust God with the rest. The alternative will destroy you both.

October 30, 2018

Step Up

But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.

– 1 Timothy 5:4

I’m probably not the person you want to ask when you want advice about taking care of elderly relatives. That’s especially true if you’re looking for excuses or justification for not doing what you know you should do.

I don’t care about your job. I don’t care that you’ve got children. I don’t care that you’ve got a vacation planned or whatever else you’ve decided is your excuse. And I surely don’t want to hear you say that it’s someone else’s responsibility.

I’m pretty vocal about it yet, it seems, I am the one others seek when it comes to advice. Why? Probably because I’ve been there and I tell them the hard truth, whether it’s what they want to hear or not.

Don’t leave someone really sick alone in a hospital room, especially at night. That’s especially true when the person is elderly. This seems so basic to me. Yet, obviously, it’s not something that occurs to many people. If you can’t stay, then have someone else do it. Hire a sitter if you must. But don’t leave them alone.

I once shared an ICU waiting room with an elderly woman and a revolving door of children and grandchildren. The woman’s youngest daughter was in the unit and not doing well. She refused to leave the hospital for fear her daughter would die without her being there. Her children and grandchildren refused to leave the elderly woman there alone. It was such a beautiful site to watch their devotion to their mother and grandmother. It’s rare.

Most people view taking care of someone as an obligation or a duty. They resent it. They resent the intrusion into their lives. They don’t want to rearrange their time to accommodate hospital stays and doctor visits and such. So they make excuses. Again and again they make excuses.

We are responsible for those who once cared for us. It’s never convenient. It requires sacrifice. Don’t miss that word. Sacrifice. We are a selfish people who really only want to do what’s convenient. That’s not reality.

Don’t be meek when it comes to being an advocate for your loved one. It is your responsibility to demand that his or her needs be met at all times. That means paying attention, talking to the doctors and nurses, and being involved. I once walked into an ICU room to find my mother’s blood pressure over 200. Excuse me?! That isn’t acceptable. Ever.

This is just one more reason why you need to be there. It does make a difference. You are talking to doctors and nurses face to face. You are watching the care your loved one receives. You see how much or how little they eat. And on and on.

Most medical professionals are dedicated and will go above and beyond the requirements of their jobs for their patients. But they also need you. No one knows your loved one like you do. Talk to them. Ask questions. Write it down if you must.

Nothing can prepare you for the hard road of caregiving. Nothing. And no one can understand your journey if they have not walked it. Don’t make excuses. Step up. You’ll never regret the sacrifices that come with loving someone through your words and actions.

August 27, 2018

We Can Help Others

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

God never wastes a hurt. I’ve heard that said so many times but I don’t think I ever truly understood until now. When we give our hurts to God, He uses them and us to comfort and guide others.

I always thought I understood what being a caregiver was all about. I didn’t have a clue. I slid into the role without fully realizing what was coming. It’s a good thing. I’m not sure I could have done it if I’d known the heartache that was to come.

I’ve learned medical terminology and how to operate the machine that dispenses IV fluids. I have learned about medical directives and hard waiting room chairs and the fatigue of day after day without leaving the hospital. In other words, I get it.

People turn to me even as I pull back from offering an opinion or advice. The hard truth is that experience has taught me what questions to ask. I know when to panic and when to just let it go. I know about surrendering a hopeless situation to God. I understand about letting go.

Compassion is hard won in the game of life. We learn to ache with others because we have felt their pain. Some people have a natural empathy. Most of us try and fail. Until we’ve walked the same road. Then we get it.

It’s true with family and friends. It’s also true with medical personnel. There is a real difference between a nurse who has known suffering and one who has only seen it. That doesn’t mean they aren’t both kind. In a perfect world, they are. It simply means that one will shed a tear with you because she truly understands.

Last year my cousin and I traveled more than two hours away to see her critically ill daughter. The hospital staff was among the best I’ve ever experienced. They asked my cousin hard questions. They were kind. They were compassionate.

And when my cousin couldn’t understand, when her heart couldn’t grasp the words, she looked to me. I shared my journey and the words settled her. There’s something about someone else walking your path and surviving that gives you hope that you, too, will survive.

Another friend monitors medications and keeps a daily record of blood pressure and insulin and weight. It’s a routine most don’t understand. You can’t skip a day. Ever. Here’s an example: If you gain four pounds overnight, you’ll probably get upset and vow to eat better. If a heart patient gains four pounds overnight, it could signal an impending cardiovascular crisis. Sudden weight gain is a major sign of trouble in someone with Congestive Heart Failure.

People who’ve never walked the path can’t grasp endless doctor appointments with  the primary care physician and assorted specialists. They can’t grasp the home health visits that can total seven or more separate visits each week by different people. Everything has to be coordinated by someone and that someone is you.

There are no words to describe the moment you realize the person you love most will never go home again. All you can do is cry and cling to someone who gets it, to someone who has been there, to someone who truly understands your heartbreak.

I am grateful when I can help someone else navigate this devastating journey. I wish I didn’t understand but I do. God uses that hurt to help others, turning something awful into something good.

August 5, 2018

Jesus Grieves with Us

Jesus wept. – John 11:35

Our chairs faced the bed. We watched him breath in and out. He could have been sleeping. My heart ached for him to wake up, to speak, to ask for a drink of water or some ice cream. My mind understood that when he did wake up it would be in heaven.

Mother and I watched the medical equipment that monitored his blood pressure and heart rate. Silence surrounded us, interrupted only by the nurses who checked on us. The vigil continued. Hour after hour.

It had been days since we’d gone to his rehab facility for a visit. We were with him when the wheezing started. The staff acted quickly and he was soon dispatched by ambulance to the hospital. We were hoping they’d give him medicine and send him back. He was admitted to ICU.

We were not prepared for the doctor who told us he might not make it through the night. We were not prepared to stay at the hospital. We would not leave. The ICU nurses brought comfortable chairs into his room for Mother and I. They understood better than we did that it wouldn’t end well.

Hope circled my heart as we all monitored him through the night. He clung to life. He was stubborn that way. His frantic eyes sought mine as he struggled to understand. I leaned close. “I love you, Daddy,” I told him again. I held his hand and tried to explain that he was sick and in the hospital. His body relaxed and he slept. He never woke again.

Two days later even the doctors had given up hope. We were moved to a regular room to wait for the end. People came and went. Few seemed to understand this was not a time to loudly talk about politics or their own ailments. Didn’t anyone get it? My Daddy was dying! It wasn’t a social occasion; it was a death vigil.

It was late when the last person left. A few caring friends didn’t want to leave us alone. We assured them we would be okay. It was right somehow that in the end it was just the three of us. How many days had we spent in hospitals and rehab facilities? How many nights had I slept on a sofa or chair to be close to one of my parents? How often had my heart broken under the weight of responsibility and criticism from people who skirted the outside but never dared to show up and help.

Jesus was there. We were never alone. His strength carried us, comforted us, held us in the storm. And then it was over. The machine’s flat lines, the nurse’s sad confirmation, the quick glance at the clock. Death at 12:25 a.m. on this day two years ago.

Calls were made. Mother and I were escorted to the waiting room. Numbness. We went through the motions. There was paperwork to sign. There’s always paperwork. And then the silent trip home.

The tears would come. They still come. I guess they always will. “Jesus wept.” I love this verse. It’s a short, powerful reminder that Jesus grieves with us. He doesn’t leave us alone. Not ever. Indeed, He draws close to us providing comfort and strength and hope.

Death doesn’t have the final say for those of us who believe. I will see my parents again one day. Do you have that certainty in your own life? Are you headed to heaven one day? Are you sure? None of us know the hours we have left. Know where you are headed before it’s too late.

May 22, 2018

Reach Out to a Caregiver

I can do all this through Him who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:13

She is always okay. That’s what she tells anyone who might ask. There is a sadness that covers her, a fatigue that never goes away. She is a caregiver. The only way her life will change is when death claims someone she loves dearly.

My heart breaks for her. I know there really is nothing I can do. I pray for her to have the strength to see it through to the end. She is an only child, which is both a blessing and a curse. The weight of decisions rests solely on her shoulders. She is alone.

Oh, I know what some of you might be saying. What about her spouse? What about her children? What about her friends and her church family? All of those are gladly walking beside her and will do whatever we can. But at the end of the day, this is a journey she must take alone.

Those who brush off her fatigue have never taken the journey. Paid helpers don’t relieve the very real demands on her physically and emotionally. She made a commitment. She buried her Dad and then moved her Mom into her home. The commitment was easy. The days are not.

Living in a daily caregiving situation is far different from caring for someone who is still at home or who is in an assisted living or nursing home situation. It just is. Those times can drain you but not in the way of a 24-hour situation.

One ear must always be ready to hear. Plans are frequently set aside. Life changes quickly. The needs of someone else must always come first. I suppose it must like having an infant, except the weight is so much more. Sometimes the attitude is too. And you can’t just pick them up and take them with you. It’s all so much more complicated than that.

There’s a church in a nearby town that began a ministry for those with Alzheimer’s. Staffed only with trained volunteers, they provide a safe and enjoyable environment two mornings a week for those who can no longer stay alone. It gives their caregivers a much needed break.

One sweet friend traveled west several times a year to give her brother and sister-in-law relief from the daily care of their mother. Yes. There were full-time caregivers. But it’s not like having a family member there. It’s never really a break when you are always on call. Her being there provided someone else to be on call.

Do you know someone who is a caregiver? Are you able to give them a break? How about a meal or an uplifting card? Pray for them – and tell them that you are doing so. Reach out and don’t tell yourself you’ve done your part when they tell you they’re “fine.” They aren’t fine.

Sorrowful journeys are part of life in this fallen world. We gain the strength to make it through from the people who walk beside us. Take a moment today to reach out to a caregiver. Show someone who is hurting and overwhelmed the hands and feet of Jesus.

April 28, 2018

God Controls Life and Death

The LORD brings death and makes alive; he brings down to the grave and raises up. – 1 Samuel 2:6

I had done all that I could. It was in God’s hands. That was my last prayer of the night. Whether the little calf lived or died was up to God.

The calf died. I found it early this morning. It hadn’t been dead long. The calf was barely past newborn. She simply failed to thrive and nothing I did helped. Her mama was beyond distraught. There was nothing I could do.

My cousin tells me I get too attached to the cows. He’s right. I know that. But I’ve never reached the point where I can detach and not care. I hope I never do.

We’d like to think we can control the outcome of just about everything. But the truth is we can only do our best and trust God with the rest. That’s true for everyone, including doctors. They do their best and still sometimes death comes.

It’s easy to see God’s power in life and in death. We can’t restore a life that has gone. But God is in control, sitting on His throne, in everything we do. Look around. Can’t you see the evidence of Him? God is everywhere. We need only open our eyes and look.

I take comfort in His Presence on this long hard day, one that followed several long, hard days. When a calf is sick, everything else gets pushed to the back so that I can do all I can to try and save her life.

The same is true with people. When someone you love is sick, suddenly your schedule, your entire life, gets shifted around. Priorities change. Your life becomes hospitals and rehab and home health and doctor appointments. You become well-versed in language you’d never heard before. You pick up on the slightest changes. You have to. Life and death are unforgiving task masters.

I know not everyone sees it this way. Some people barely change anything. They are content to sit back and let someone else do the day to day tasks. They aren’t interested in keeping an all-night vigil or days spent loading and unloading a wheelchair and helping someone get from appointment to appointment.

It’s sad what they miss. There is pain and frustration, inconvenience and loss of income. There are a million different tasks waiting every single day. Juggling becomes a lifestyle. It’s just how it is.

But there is joy too. There is honor in caring for someone you love when they can no longer do it for themselves. There is a painful satisfaction that comes when the day is done and you know that you did all you could. No one can take that from you.

I wanted that little calf to live. She was beautiful and sweet and I wanted her to grow up and have babies of her own. God had a different plan. I’ve come to accept that sometimes death comes no matter how hard we try to prevent it. God is in control. I love and trust His Holy Name. On sad days like this, that really is all that matters.

March 15, 2018

Exhaustion Surrounds Caregivers

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. – Isaiah 40:29-31

Exhaustion ran so deep that I wasn’t sure I could make it through another day. I had to. There were no other options. When you are a caregiver, it sometimes feels as though the whole world rests on your weary shoulders. Well, actually, it does.

People are quick to tell you what you must do. They are quick to condemn and criticize. Just don’t ever ask them to do anything. Excuses tumble out of their mouths. The truth is they can’t be bothered to do what they should. Why should they? You are there to carry their load.

Have you ever tried to sleep in a hospital? Nurses and others are in and out all night. Your patient is awake more than not. Unfortunately, you aren’t headed home the next day for a needed nap. There’s too much to do and your priorities are with those you love.

People are quick to tell you to take time for yourself. When? You are always on call even if you aren’t present with the patient. When it really hit me that my Mother had died was the first time I reached to shove my phone in my pocket and realized I didn’t have to carry it with me to go downstairs and let the dogs out. I was no longer on call every moment of every day. I was no longer a caregiver.

My heart broke into a thousand pieces all over again. The grief runs deep. Medical professionals had warned me about what was to come. When your life for years is consumed with the needs of someone else – in my case two people – you don’t know what you’re supposed to do in the aftermath.

But this is about the journey because I know there are so many exhausted, hurting people doing the best they can to juggle an impossible situation.

Are you a critic? Then hush. If you can’t, or won’t, step up and actually provide help, then you’ve no right to be critical of anything someone else is doing. Have you considered the demands? Do you know what it’s like to juggle never-ending doctor appointments or home health visits? Have you ever struggled to get an elderly, sick person to eat what they should? Or to do or not do things based on their abilities rather than what they once could do?

If you want to help, then stop thinking that you should do and just do something. Offer to sit for a while so the caregiver can get to the grocery store. Bring a meal. Mow the lawn. Send cards of encouragement with personal messages written inside. Be the hands and feet of Jesus.

If you are the caregiver, know that Jesus takes every step with you. Get your strength from Him. Know that while you can’t possibly take another step on your own, you can do all things through Him who gives you strength. Fill your heart and your mind with His words. They will carry you in a way nothing else can.

Do I regret the hours and the days, the years of sacrifice? Not even a moment. I’d do it all again. I know I did all I could to honor my parents and tend to their needs. Every caregiver knows that. It’s what makes the exhausting days worthwhile, knowing that in the end you truly have done the right thing to honor God and those you love.

March 4, 2018

Advocate For Those In Need

For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus. – 1 Timothy 2:5

A sweet friend turned to Facebook with her rant. Her mother had fallen and broken her arm. After much pain and surgery, this dear woman was on the mend. Unfortunately, Medicare denied the claim. Her mother faced a huge medical bill because of this injustice.

My friend did what all caregivers and advocates do: She fought the bureaucrats and resolved the matter. It took numerous phone calls and most of a day to get it done. She was furious and rightly so. She also wondered what would have happened had her mother not had an advocate. She likely would have struggled to pay a bill she didn’t owe.

It happens every day. Caregivers generally spend hour upon hour monitoring bills, medical care and other such things. The loved one rarely has the ability – either physically or mentally – to monitor those things. Yet it must be done or someone will take advantage of them.

Those who don’t have someone looking out for them face an uphill struggle. They are at the mercy of what they do or don’t know and whoever happens to notice their vulnerability. It is a sad plight.

We aren’t much different. We are at the mercy of this fallen world. We stumble daily as we try to do “good” amidst all the temptations that surround us. We fail. There is no way we could ever get it all right.

But Jesus sits at the right hand of God. He advocates for us. He places His righteousness on us and declares that His blood covers our sins. We are saved by His sacrifice and His grace.

Can you imagine doing life alone? Can you even contemplate trying to get into heaven without Jesus’ help? It would be a failed mission. None of us would stand a chance. I am so thankful for what Jesus did!

And because of that I seek to help others who need assistance. I share Jesus with the lost and hurting. I reach out to those who are grieving, those who are sick, those who are alone. I want to do more. I need to do more. We are Jesus’ hands and feet in this dark world. How can we ever repay Him for what He did for us? We can’t – but we can try by loving those He loves.

Look around your world. Is there someone who is alone, someone who needs a friend, someone who is vulnerable? Pay attention. Reach out. Make the time to help. It might be something as simple as making sure that person has enough food to eat. Don’t assume that they do. The elderly frequently struggle to buy medicine, pay utilities and purchase food. Guess which one comes last? They are usually the last to say anything, the ones most likely to not know about resources available to them, the people who don’t want to bother anyone with their struggle.

It is our job as Christians to advocate for those God places before us. Don’t sit back and let someone else do what you’ve been called to do.      

February 4, 2018

Consider Yous Words and Choices

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. – James 1:19-20

I am choosing to keep my words to myself. I tell myself it is none of my business. Deep down inside, I am furious. They should know better.

He had surgery yesterday. Yes. It was minor surgery that only required an overnight stay in the hospital. But no surgery is really minor. Anything can go wrong, especially when the operation is on an older person with blood pressure issues.

He drove himself to the hospital. He went into surgery with no one in the waiting room. He has family who could have been there. They should have been there. They chose not to be.

I am sure this man is not innocent. He led me to believe that his daughter would be at the hospital as soon as she took the kids to school. Nope. That was never part of the plan. He didn’t contradict me when I asked if his son would be coming when his daughter left to pick the kids up.

Maybe I spent too many years as a caregiver. Maybe I was too close to his late wife, a woman who would never have allowed him to be at the hospital alone.

He is the only one in his immediate family who isn’t in the medical field. They should have known better. Apparently, they didn’t.

I should have known better too. Maybe that’s why I’m so angry. I know he plays word games with people. He’s just like my Mother in that. He misled me in order to get me to believe what he wanted. I never did convince her that she was being dishonest. I don’t think I’ll even try with him. What’s the point?

He had his reasons. He didn’t want to bother anyone. He didn’t want to worry them. Yet they should have been worried. We all should have been.

My gut told me to cancel the trip to take my cousin to see her sick daughter. I was so torn. Worry for someone I love vs. being there for someone I care about. I trusted his family to step up. I shouldn’t have. It won’t happen again.

I lost both of my parents within a short period of time. Their needs and illnesses consumed my life for years. I don’t regret any of it. I did what I needed to do to help them. I would do it again.

I am increasingly learning that most people don’t view it that way. It is their choice. It is their right. I need to hold my tongue and consider carefully before I speak. It isn’t my job to convict or admonish them on how they treat their parents. The Holy Spirit truly doesn’t need my help.

Caregiving isn’t easy or convenient. Nor is admitting that sometimes we all need help. And holding my tongue? Well, that’s not easy either. But I’m working on it. I really truly am.

January 31, 2018

Care For Others

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. – James 1:27

They would come if it was necessary. One would have to take sick leave. The other would have to make it a long day because she couldn’t leave her dog. At least they offered. The third sibling didn’t even do that.

Their special needs sister was in ICU at a hospital more than 100 miles from their elderly parents. The flu had placed all the area hospitals at capacity. It was the closest available ICU bed to the facility where she lived.

This sister had lived at home until seizures destroyed her memory. It became impossible for her parents to care for her and they found a wonderful facility 32 miles from them. Her mom especially had devoted her life to this daughter’s care. This forced separation was tearing her apart.

This 86-year-old woman called me. Could I drive her to see her daughter? Absolutely. I never considered anything else. I was glad to do it.

Let me explain a little bit about my life. I am self-employed. If I don’t work, I don’t make money. There are no paid sick days or vacation days in my world. I also have a farm with animals that must be cared for whether it’s convenient or not. In fact, I called on a dear friend to stop by and check on the animals while I was gone that day.

I should also explain that this mom and her daughter are family. I know what it’s like to try and care for someone you love with no physical support from the people who should step up and help.

It isn’t always possible to hire someone. It isn’t always practical. And, frankly, it isn’t always what needs to be done. A loving family member can accomplish so much more.

At the hospital that first day, I was the one asking questions. I was the one helping the medical staff gently explain that this was not going to have a happy ending. While this illness might not kill her daughter, the mom needed to prepare herself because her daughter was nearing the end.

Maybe God planned it that way. I knew what to ask because there are lessons you learn as a caregiver that really can’t be forgotten. Experience can be a painful teacher. Preparation does help when the days near their end.

But there was another part of me that was angry at the other children for not being there for their mom. She shouldn’t have had to ask them to come. She shouldn’t have had to explain that she needed them.

I think of a sweet friend who used to travel to Arizona several times a year to give her brother and sister-in-law a break from caring for their elderly mother. Yes, they had sitters around the clock. But they rightly wouldn’t leave their mother without another family member there to supervise and monitor the situation. It makes a difference. It really does.

She gladly did it. She gave of herself, at great financial sacrifice, because it was the right thing to do. Was it easy? No. But she did it anyway.

Sometimes we are called to sacrifice of ourselves to provide care for those we love. We shouldn’t need to be asked. And we shouldn’t let someone else do it for us. It’s our responsibility, whether it’s convenient or not.

April 6, 2016

Enjoy This Season

4 This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: 5 “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. 6 Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. 7 Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.” -- Jeremiah 29:4-9

Where did the day go? I had plans and, once again, what I planned didn’t come to pass because of the many things I didn’t plan that came up along the way. Do you ever travel that road? It can be so frustrating!

But God always gives us what we need and I needed these verses from Jeremiah. I’ve read them before, of course, but this time the writer pointed out that this is what God told His people BEFORE He told them about the good plans He had for them.

Why is that so significant? Because God was telling His people to plant gardens where they were going to be in exile for 70 years. THEN came the good plans.

I am not good at waiting. I’ve said that many times before. Yet sometimes we don’t have a choice. God puts us where He wants us and tells us to stay until it’s time to move on.

At that point, we can choose how we handle where He’s placed us. Do we let our hearts fill with bitterness and impatience or do we open ourselves up to serve and be His hands and feet where we are? The choice belongs to us.

Waiting isn’t passive. It’s active and full of things to do. I think that’s where we sometimes get off track. We think that waiting means we allow our lives to become stagnant and that’s not what it means at all.

We all have seasons in our lives. There are seasons for being children, for advanced learning, for marriage and children and working day after day. I am in the season of caregiving. I cherish this time, yet it is stressful and emotional.

What season are you in? Did you plan it or did life intervene? And are you okay with it? That’s a big one. Learning to be okay where you are, planting a garden and watching it grow and bloom, makes the seasons seem worthwhile.

God has good plans for us. It just may take a while to see them come to fruition. Enjoy the journey.

January 21, 2016

God Cares for Caregivers

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 4:19

I have several dear friends who are fulltime caregivers. It is a challenging task in the best of circumstances. Coping with a crisis -- whether it is a change in medications or attitude -- sends the caregivers life into turmoil. Again.

One woman spoke of how much she loves her son. I already knew that. She’s given her life to caring for him. He is autistic. An adult who will never live on his own. The doctor wants to slowly decrease one specific medication. It sounds easy. Not really. He’s been following her around for almost two weeks, constantly repeating himself and too anxious to let her out of his sight for very long.

Her blood pressure is up. Her doctor is concerned. What is she to do? She can’t abandon her child. She is a widow with no one who can manage her son for any length of time.

Another friend cares for his wife who has cancer again. A new chemo pill has left her with nausea and diarrhea. It has also helped bring on a deep depression. He does all he can but every day is a challenge as he tries to get her to eat and to get out of bed and move around. The stress is awful for him. He feels powerless to help the wife he adores.

God will meet their needs. He will strengthen them, guide them, comfort them. God understands what they need. He will carry them when they don’t believe they have the strength to last another day.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. -- Philippians 4:13

Some days you just need someone to understand how hard it can be. God does understand. Sometimes you just need someone to really see you. God sees you. And some days you just want to hand it all over to some one else. God is strong enough to carry it. And you. And your loved one. Give it to Him and find rest.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Negativity Destroys; God Builds Up

The enemy pursues me,

he crushes me to the ground;

he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.

-- Psalm 143:3

I ended the day exhausted. There was no reason. Not really. It was a day like any other. And that was the problem.

Why do some people need to put you down to build themselves up? Why do people need to control your every move to feel powerful themselves? And why does every plan I seem to make end up discarded because someone else has made a decision that impacts on me?

Stress is a killer. All the medical experts tell you that. Stress must also zap a person’s energy. Because it is just exhausting to constantly face a barrage of negativity by the people around you.

And before the choir begins telling me to just find new friends, let me clarify that I’m not talking about friends. I could deal with that because, well, I’d choose to not be around them. But some people you must be around, even when they seem determined to destroy you.

Oh, they wouldn’t say that. They’d make excuses for themselves. They’d blame me. They would bluster and say I’m overreacting. And then they’d talk about the negativity of others and how much it grates on their nerves without ever thinking of looking in the mirror.

Some days, most days really, I try to keep a sense of humor about it. Really, it shouldn’t take an entire morning to go to the grocery store but in my world it does. People who are supposed to care about me shouldn’t be jealous and petty when I have an opportunity to work. Snide comments aren’t becoming and remind me that sometimes two-year-olds live in adult bodies.

Do you have someone in your life that always puts you down? Are you struggling to get along with someone who would destroy you if they had the chance? Then you know what I’m facing. And you know what King David faced when he wrote this psalm.

It’s hard to stay upbeat and do what needs to be done when you are criticized at every corner. It is difficult to believe in yourself when others find sport in kicking you down.

But there is One who is always in your corner. God is your biggest cheerleader. He loves you unconditionally. He claims you as His own. He builds you up and defends you. He hears your silent tears and He cares. Turn to God and let Him hold you close and soothe your wounds.

Monday, June 25, 2012

God Hears And Understands

But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.”

-- Psalm 31:14

There’s a scene in the movie Facing the Giants where the coach is in an orchard, an open Bible in his hands. His world is crashing down around him: his football team is losing, he happens on a secret meeting to generate support to fire him, his car is falling apart and, to make it even worse, he’s found out that he’s the reason he and his wife can’t get pregnant.

“You are my God,” he says. I love that line because of the simple truth of it. Because really, when it comes down to it, there is no one else who really can help besides God.

Last week was a really tough week in a really tough year. Nothing particular happened to make it so. It’s just that sometimes the attitudes and responsibilities of being a necessary, but unwanted, caregiver just zap my emotional strength to the point where I don’t know how I’ll make it through the next five minutes, let alone the years to come.

I am not alone. In fact, I have it so much better than so many caregivers. I know that. And I rarely get mired in self-pity. But some days I just long for someone to understand, someone to see, someone to feel the insults and nasty comments that are daily parts of life. And then I remember: God understands, He sees and He feels my pain. He gives me strength to make it through to another day, a better day.

I can’t imagine how anyone goes through tough times without God. He is my anchor, a very real help in times of trouble. The Bible reminds us that we don’t have to travel this road alone. There is help available just for the asking, no matter what we face.

A dear friend lives with chronic leukemia. Oh, there’s a fancy name for it but the truth isn’t fancy or pleasant. She takes chemo pills every day and will for the rest of her life. She counts herself blessed because she is in remission. But some days are rough. She’s sick and tired and it’s hard to get up and get on with it. But she does it anyway, leaning on God for the strength to make it through another day.

Yet another friend visits her mother several times each week. Her heart breaks a little bit every time. She’s thankful that, so far, her mother still recognizes her. But she also knows that someday in the not so distant future, that won’t be true anymore. The once vital woman who lit up a room is slowing fading away, being replaced by a shell she doesn’t recognize.

“You are my God.” David’s words echo in my mind as I cry out for help, for strength, for understanding. He hears me. He hears you. We don’t have to take difficult journeys alone. God is with us if only we will cry out to Him.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Caregivers Need Prayers

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. -- Psalm 25:16-17

“Another day, another doctor’s appointment,” I laughed to myself. Except it wasn’t funny. It’s just so hard trying to help someone who has a chronic condition when that person won’t do things that will help alleviate some of her symptoms.

The stress of a caregiver never seems to end. I thought I was prepared. Most of the time I deal with it okay. Then, once again, I’m faced with attitude and resentment and I wonder why I bother caring at all. I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard too many caregivers say pretty much the same thing.

Criticism abounds. From every corner. They resent needing help. I understand. I do. I’m independent and those times when I need help, I’m not happy about it. But there is no gratitude. Ever. From anyone. I know it shouldn’t matter. The Bible calls us to have a servant’s heart. I try. But I’m human and every now and then I’d like some acknowledgement that I am a necessary and needed part of their lives.

I have a dear friend who is going through something similar. Her mother’s health is failing and she needs help. Her mother criticizes everything her daughter does for her. It’s never right. It’s never enough. And it’s never appreciated.

She told me, “I love my, Mama. I do. But sometimes it’s just so frustrating. I want to scream. Why does she have to make everything so hard?”

I understand that. Every forward movement is a struggle, with lots of drama, only to be told later that they knew it was necessary. So why the drama? Because it wasn’t their idea? Because they felt like being ornery? Who knows!

I find myself getting angry sometimes and I force myself to hold it inside. I deal with it through humor, sometimes sarcastic humor, but humor keeps the tears at bay. Others don’t understand and look down on me. but they aren’t living with verbal abuse everyday.

I’ve come to understand that just as love and hate are closely related, so are anger and hurt. I get angry when the hurt is just too deep and raw to bear. Understanding that helps me cope but it doesn’t heal my broken heart.

I have spent many hours with God, and He calms me as no one else can. He dries my tears and strengthens me for another day. I do what I do because it’s what He has called me to do. I may not ever understand why, when I am so inadequate and so unwanted where I am. But I will do His will no matter what.

There are countless caregivers out there doing the very best they can. Most times they are suffering from guilt and fatigue and a burden unlike any other. It’s a daily thing that never lets up. Say a prayer for them today. And show them kindness and compassion. No matter how much you think you know about another person’s situation, you never really know until you’ve walked their path.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

God Provides Refuge In Trying Times

The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. -- Nahum 1:7

Life is what happens while you’re making plans. I’m not sure who said that originally but it sure has proven to be true in my life. It’s almost comical. I make plans and then watch in frustration as life takes over.

Today began like most Sundays. Up early for breakfast and time with God before heading off to early church and Sunday school. My Mother hasn’t been doing well and she and my father stayed home.

I had planned to prepare lunch for them, clean up the kitchen, and then kick back in my recliner to read and relax and do nothing. Totally. Okay. Maybe get caught up with this daily devotional that seems to have lagged since Mother got sick. But nothing else.

What I did was come home, help Mother into the car and head toward the emergency room in a nearby town. And there we stayed for about six hours. The doctors and nurses and other folks were wonderful but the ER was packed with wreck victims, stomach virus ills and strep throat. I tried to be patient and kind, all while I repeatedly lathered my hands with sanitizer.

The good news is that maybe, just maybe, we finally know what’s going on and causing her pain. I’ve asked God for that diagnosis. The down side is that we’ve got other hurdles, such as referrals to a specialist with a long waiting list. But it’s a start and I am grateful.

My Father is a nervous wreck. At 82, he’s ready for a quiet, simple life. He’s got a wife who can’t lift herself from a chair and stand without help. She moans in pain and he can’t fix it. He goes between tears and nervous edginess.

I am in the middle of the two, trying to manage doctors and treatments while caring for him as well. And, did I mention, earning a living in the midst of it all?

I’m not complaining, though it might sound that way. My parents are blessed to have wonderful medical benefits that allow them to get the best of care. I am blessed to have a flexible schedule that allows me to care for them. Those are the blessings.

The downside is the constant stress and mental strain of being a caregiver for people who resent needing one. Few people understand the frustrations and the desperate need for even a few hours free from endless responsibility.

God understands. He is with me. He listens to my complaints and understands. He hears my frustrations and understands. He sees my tears and understands. How grateful and blessed I am to have God, the Creator of the universe, who cares for me during

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Love Travels From Heart to Heart

Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. -- 1 Timothy 5:3-5

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a dear lady. She was two months shy of 89 years old. Her family gathered round. Her friends remembered. There was music and a sermon as the skies poured water on the earth.

She was a widow twice over. She never had children. She could have lived a life of sorrow. Instead, she lived a life of love. She drew people to her with her laughter and good nature. She “adopted” many children over the years, loving her nieces and nephews, neighbors and friends.

The preacher remembered that she was always particular about her appearance. Her hair, makeup, and clothing was stylish and just right all the time. Yet she was just the sort who would be out picking up pecans or canning vegetables. She grew up working and really never stopped until her health sent her to the nursing home.

As she aged, as her health began to fail, those she had loved rallied to care for her. We picked up her pecans. We gathered vegetables for her. We visited. We picked her up when she fell. We loved her like she had loved us.

A wonderful friend rode with us. She’s almost blind now and she needed a ride. A friend reaching out to a friend. A community -- God’s people -- taking care of its own. Seeing a need. Reaching out. And being glad to do it.

I have to believe that’s what Paul was talking about. Helping people. Yes, we’re to take care of our own families and do for them. But we’re also supposed to take care of those who really don’t have anybody else or who aren’t cared for as they should be. It’s not somebody else’s “problem.” It’s our responsibility as Christians. We forget that sometimes.

We forget to be kind. And compassionate. We forget to make time. We forget to include people in our lives. Where do people who are alone go on holidays? Who remembers their birthdays? Who takes them out to eat, or to the grocery store, or calls to check on their day? No one -- unless we do.

This dear woman fed her neighbors every night while their kitchen was being remodeled. She cared for her older brother while his wife was hospitalized. She kept great-grandchildren that were not hers. She cared with her actions and with her life. How could we do any less for her?

God puts people in our lives for a reason. Look around. Is there someone you need to notice? Someone you should visit? Someone who would love to be a part of your life?

Friday, December 30, 2011

Give Jesus Your Load

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light.” -- Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT)

Some days God speaks -- loudly. The other day this verse was my devotion for that day. It followed a Christmas gift, a cross, that has a portion of this verse on it. Another book mentioned Jeremiah 31:25, which is also about rest for the weary. Why is it so easy to read and so hard to do?

This year has been one of the toughest I’ve ever endured. I almost feel guilty saying that because so many people I care for have lost loved ones and suffered horrible accidents and illnesses. I’ve got nothing specific to point to. Not one major event or catastrophe. Just a whole lot of little things that seemed to push me beyond what I can endure. Do you know what I mean?

Most days I feel like I’m black and blue just from trying to juggle the needs of everyone else. And facing constant criticism all along the path. I understand that getting older is hard and admitting that skills have diminished is even harder. But it isn’t a picnic for those walking beside the older folks. And being on the receiving end of all that anger and resentment takes a heavy emotional toll.

Most of the time I fully understand that I am doing what God has called me to do. But sometimes I just need a break. I need relief from the constant stress and agitation. I want a day for me, to do what I want. I long for that joy that has slowly slipped from my life. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the past 12 months. Literally. I look it too, which doesn’t help my feelings at all.

I am longing for 2012. I want to get rid of this year and forget all about it. Have you ever had one of those years? I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I just hope I don’t have to do 2011 again.

Sometimes I think the big events are easier to endure. I’ve had a few of those over the years and still carry the scars. I know it sounds strange but those things come and then you pick up the pieces. You have support and prayers and other people understand. Most people don’t understand constant care giving for people don’t even like you -- and tell you just that bluntly. So I largely remain silent, keeping this secret between God and myself.

So Jesus calls me to cast all my cares onto Him. I can place this baggage at the foot of the cross and leave it there. I can endure what I must because His strength is sufficient and He meets all my needs.

I have no idea what this next year will bring. I pray for peace and comfort. I pray that I will draw closer to Him and will feel His Presence every moment of every day. I pray for strength and endurance. And I pray for understanding and compassion. Life can be a hard road, but we are never alone.