October 30, 2018

Step Up

But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.

– 1 Timothy 5:4

I’m probably not the person you want to ask when you want advice about taking care of elderly relatives. That’s especially true if you’re looking for excuses or justification for not doing what you know you should do.

I don’t care about your job. I don’t care that you’ve got children. I don’t care that you’ve got a vacation planned or whatever else you’ve decided is your excuse. And I surely don’t want to hear you say that it’s someone else’s responsibility.

I’m pretty vocal about it yet, it seems, I am the one others seek when it comes to advice. Why? Probably because I’ve been there and I tell them the hard truth, whether it’s what they want to hear or not.

Don’t leave someone really sick alone in a hospital room, especially at night. That’s especially true when the person is elderly. This seems so basic to me. Yet, obviously, it’s not something that occurs to many people. If you can’t stay, then have someone else do it. Hire a sitter if you must. But don’t leave them alone.

I once shared an ICU waiting room with an elderly woman and a revolving door of children and grandchildren. The woman’s youngest daughter was in the unit and not doing well. She refused to leave the hospital for fear her daughter would die without her being there. Her children and grandchildren refused to leave the elderly woman there alone. It was such a beautiful site to watch their devotion to their mother and grandmother. It’s rare.

Most people view taking care of someone as an obligation or a duty. They resent it. They resent the intrusion into their lives. They don’t want to rearrange their time to accommodate hospital stays and doctor visits and such. So they make excuses. Again and again they make excuses.

We are responsible for those who once cared for us. It’s never convenient. It requires sacrifice. Don’t miss that word. Sacrifice. We are a selfish people who really only want to do what’s convenient. That’s not reality.

Don’t be meek when it comes to being an advocate for your loved one. It is your responsibility to demand that his or her needs be met at all times. That means paying attention, talking to the doctors and nurses, and being involved. I once walked into an ICU room to find my mother’s blood pressure over 200. Excuse me?! That isn’t acceptable. Ever.

This is just one more reason why you need to be there. It does make a difference. You are talking to doctors and nurses face to face. You are watching the care your loved one receives. You see how much or how little they eat. And on and on.

Most medical professionals are dedicated and will go above and beyond the requirements of their jobs for their patients. But they also need you. No one knows your loved one like you do. Talk to them. Ask questions. Write it down if you must.

Nothing can prepare you for the hard road of caregiving. Nothing. And no one can understand your journey if they have not walked it. Don’t make excuses. Step up. You’ll never regret the sacrifices that come with loving someone through your words and actions.

October 2, 2018

Make A Different Choice

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. – Proverbs 22:6

The party was loud and wild. Drunk teens stumbling to their cars. Disrobed teens scattered around the front yard. Young men using a decorative fountain as a urinal. And the police not responding because, well, no one wants to take on one of the town’s “elite” families.

Where were the parents? It’s an obvious question. No one seems to know. It wasn’t the first time such a party occurred. In fact, the party were back the next night.

Sadly, many of these kids are “Christians.” They were raised in church. They attend church. They have all the right clothes, gadgets and cars. They have every advantage but one: They apparently don’t have parents who supervise and hold them accountable for bad behavior.

Why? Another obvious question. It’s difficult to condemn what you do on a regular basis. Oh, they might not do it in public but the teens see the drunken revelry in their own homes. They hear the sexual comments. They know about the affairs, the parties, the driving when drunk.

I wish I didn’t know all these things. I wish it were something in another town, another neighborhood, another family. But it happened right here. It still happens. When will it end? How many lives must be destroyed before someone says enough?

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

– Ephesians 6:4

Some of the parents are quick to point the finger at others. They demand that God be placed back in the schools. I can only shake my head. They need, first, to put God back in their homes. They need, first, to clean themselves up and be an example to their kids of how people of faith should live. They should be the example of upright living and not of debauchery.

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and purity. – 1 Timothy 4:12

But whether parents do their job or not, teens can and must rise above bad examples and live upright lives that are dedicated to God. Parents can learn from their children. They can see good and change. Kids shouldn’t have to lead the way but, make no mistake, they can.

This is a sad situation that plays out far too often in way too many towns. Teens, refuse to be sucked in by peer pressure. And parents, step up and set a better example. Stop blaming others when your kids get in trouble because they’re following in your footsteps.

Every day begins anew with a chance to take a different path. Take it.

June 16, 2018

What Are You Teaching?

“What is it you want?” he asked.

She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.” – Matthew 20:21

The mother of James and John wanted what all parents want for their children. She wanted her sons to be in positions of power and honor when Jesus gained His kingdom. She wanted her sons to be first over the other disciples and all other followers of Jesus.

She really didn’t know what she was asking. Jesus pointed that out. Besides, positions in heaven are determined by God the Father. It doesn’t stop us from trying to get ahead though, does it?

You don’t have to be a parent to want the children you care about to succeed and excel at all they do. You’ll do anything to position them in the right place, with the right people, with the right resources for high achievement.

We teach them that they are worthy of the best. We tell them that they deserve success. And we show them that if they’ll just go along, we’ll make sure they get it served up for them on a silver platter.

Did anyone sputter over that? All defensive parents please raise your hand. Now, go ahead and remind me that I don’t have children and I don’t know how much you love your children. I just don’t understand.

When you’re done, I will remind you that Jesus tells us to serve others rather than be served. I will remind you that in God’s kingdom, the first will be last and the last will be first. And I will remind you that sometimes the worst thing you can do for anyone is carry them rather than have them stand on their own and learn how to live a righteous life.

There was a Facebook thing the other day that said something like this: Discipline your children and spoil your grandchildren. Spoil your children and raise your grandchildren. There’s a great deal of truth in that.

There’s a huge difference between helping someone and enabling them. People of all ages must learn that actions have consequences. It’s the only way anyone learns to make wise choices.

But we don’t want those we care about, especially the children in our lives, to ever suffer the consequences of their bad choices. Especially when the consequences are severe. We want to protect them from the bad. That’s natural. But when we do that we teach them something that isn’t the reality of life. Are we then truly surprised when they fail adulthood?

Parents are meant to guide and protect their children from harm. That doesn’t mean do everything for them and keep them from ever having to suffer for bad choices. We are raising children who feel entitled. I know. Not all children. Not your children. But are you sure?

I have watched friends do without basics so their children can have the latest phone, shoes and clothing. I have watched friends work second and third jobs to provide luxuries, while their children sit at home and play games. The kids are oblivious to the sacrifices their parents are making. Or, maybe, they just don’t care.

James and John’s mother only wanted the best for her sons. She didn’t understand the price they would pay. Jesus did. Do you understand the price your children will pay if you don’t teach them and guide them through childhood, refusing to save them from everything or providing you can’t afford and they really don’t need?

Kids are smart and observant and quick to learn. But it’s up to us to teach them the right way to live.

Friday, June 24, 2011

God Loves All His Children Equally

“The LORD your God is the God of gods and Lord of lords. He is the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and takes no bribes.” -- Deuteronomy 10:17

A few years ago I watched a woman I adore break down in sobs as workers prepared to lower her mother’s casket into the ground. I reached out to comfort her, understanding that her sobs weren’t so much for the woman who had died but rather for a dream that had finally been laid to rest.

Her mother hadn’t loved her. Ever. No matter what the woman did, no matter how much she tried, she was never good enough to earn her mother’s love. It wasn’t that the woman was incapable of loving a child. She’d given birth to two sons and adored both of them. But her daughter, well, that was a different story.

The youngest of her three children had died years before. She had stood at his casket and lamented that it wasn’t her daughter laying there instead of her son. Her daughter heard every word. The woman didn’t care. She never cared how much pain she inflicted on a daughter she didn’t love.

The pain of a parent’s rejection never, ever goes away. It’s especially true when the rejection continues, again and again, as the hurtful barbs seek to wound. You do what you must. You honor God by treating someone better than she deserves, knowing that He will take care of it one day. And He will. Revenge belongs to God.

I am so grateful that God doesn’t play that favorites game. He doesn’t love one child more than the other. He doesn’t try to tear down family relationships but rather seeks to build up and heal wounds inflicted by selfish desires and unkind hearts.

I understood this woman’s pain because it so clearly reflected my journey. It’s what I live with day after day. Sometimes I ask myself why I don’t just bolt and run. It would be so much easier on my heart. But the answer to my question is always the same: God wants me to be here. It isn’t right. It isn’t fair. But it is where I’m supposed to be right now.

As long as she lives, I suppose there is hope. There is a chance for God’s miraculous hand to touch her heart so that it will open itself up to love her daughter. Hope. That’s what the woman lost when her mother died. Death ended any possibility of love and acceptance from her mother. And that is what she mourned.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Forgiveness Is Ongoing

Honor your father and mother -- which is the first commandment with a promise -- that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. -- Ephesians 6:2-3

A young woman I know struggles with anger toward her mother. She’s a young Christian who wants to do the right thing. She visits her mother. She takes her young children to visit their grandmother. It’s a difficult relationship.

An older woman can’t understand. “She’s got to let it go,” she says. “She’s got to move past it so that her children aren’t impacted by her anger toward her mother.”

I just smile and remind the older woman to pray about it. I refuse to gossip. I refuse to delve into the darkness of the younger woman’s struggles with someone who can’t possibly understand. The older woman is loving and kind. She had wonderful parents and she, in turn, became a wonderful mother. Her family loves and celebrates each member. She can’t comprehend anything else.

I can. You see for this young woman it isn’t about forgiving past sins. It isn’t about forgiving past hurts. It’s about an ongoing broken relationship where one of the parties continues to destroy the person she should have loved and cherished, supported and protected, from the time of her birth. Forgiving becomes not so much letting go of the past as a daily battle to forgive and deal with the hurtful comments and actions that continue.

The Bible tells us to honor our parents. We are to love and respect them no matter what. How do you love and respect someone who would destroy you in a heartbeat? How do you love and respect someone who is a master at hurtful comments, lies and putdowns?

I don’t have any answers for this young woman as she struggles to reconcile her reality with God’s words. I don’t know how to explain to those blessed with wonderful family relationships how it feels to be rejected again and again by your own mother. I have no answers.

It is a daily challenge to hand it all to God. Day after day. Hurt after hurt. Because the alternative is to become hard, shutting yourself off from everyone just so that you can survive the pain. God knows. He understands. His love is unconditional and complete. And, some days, that’s more than enough.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Don't Look the Other Way

"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." -- Psalm 27:10

Rarely a day goes by that I don't read in the newspaper or see on television that someone has abused another child. Sometimes it's a stranger but usually it seems to be an acquaintance or a family member. The very people who are supposed to protect the child, hurt the child.

I wonder how many people suspected something was going on. I wonder how many people told themselves it was none of their business. I wonder how many people were so wrapped up in their own lives that they couldn't or wouldn't take time to stick their nose into a child's life.

Many years ago I was working in a mall one Sunday afternoon. I could hear a child yelling. Soon a hysterical four-year-old was headed my way. He'd lost his parents. He was screaming and crying as he ran through the mall. Parents strolled nearby with their children. People glanced his way but kept going. No one tried to help the child.

I knelt down and held open my arms and he ran to me. A nearby store employee called security. People laughed at the boy's hysteria. His unconcerned parents said they'd merely been trying to teach him a lesson so he'd stay up with them next time. Yeah. Somehow I think they could have taught that lesson without traumatizing him.

I was most amazed at the lack of concern by anyone. Didn't they understand that anyone could have stopped that child, told him they would take him to his parents, then led him right out of the mall? I vowed then that I would never walk away from a child in trouble, no matter how busy I thought I was.

So why do we look away when it's up close and personal? It makes us uncomfortable to stand up for a child. We worry about retaliation. We think we must be wrong because they're a "good" family. Well, abuse happens in rich families and poor families. It happens in normal families down the street. It happens in white families, black families and hispanic families. It happens to people we know.

Sometimes the best thing -- and safest thing -- is to notify the police. They are specially trained to handle abuse cases. You don't even have to reveal who you are. Just remember it's better to be report abuse and be wrong than to not report it and be right.

The other thing we can do is become a safe haven for the child being abused. We can listen. We can offer support and compliments and time -- even when we think we don't have any. And, most importantly, we can tell that child about Jesus because Jesus is a refuge when no other refuge exists.

 Don't look the other way when you suspect someone is abusing a child. Jesus wouldn't stand silently on the sidelines. Why do we?