September 17, 2018

Words Can Heal or Destroy

The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. – James 3:6

Who are you? What’s your name? How do you identify yourself? What do others call you?

Our pastor made a really interesting point on Sunday. James understood firsthand the dangers of condemning someone without cause. He knew what happened when others referred to someone with names that were really just lies. Think about all the names his brother was called. Consider the lies from the Pharisees. Yes. James understood the cost.

Condemnation is referring to someone by their problem or their sin and not their name, our pastor said. They are “liars,” “trash,” “stupid.” They are “drug addicts,” “homely,” “fat.”

We call people by what we see as their sin. And that, in turn, is how they come to see themselves.

Pastor Ryan Martin said there are two truths about sin. The first is that every sin we commit is the direct result of us believing a lie. The second is that all sin is the result of idolatry.

When we condemn someone with our words we tell them they aren’t worthy. They aren’t worthy of us and they aren’t worthy of God. And they start to believe those lies we spew at them. It’s a sick kind of game. Sin begets sin.

And it becomes like a god to us. We can make ourselves the god. We can make our sin – say vaping or gossiping – our god. It becomes more important than anything or anyone. It becomes more important than God.

There is a shame that comes with the harsh words others direct at us. We get down on ourselves. We forget how wonderful we are. We forget we were created in the image of God Almighty. We forget we are loved and chosen and special. We forget everything but the condemnation in the words directed toward us.

Words can create life or they can destroy it. What about your words? Do you talk bad about people? Do you try to turn the opinions of others against someone you don’t like? Do you build yourself up at the expense of others?

Or maybe you’re the person who always finds something good in others. Maybe you’re the one who gives a genuine, specific compliment to another person. Maybe you’re the one who refuses to spread, or even listen, to the ugliness some try to share.

Each day is filled with choices. Make your words be words of healing and hope.

July 15, 2018

Weigh Your Words

The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil. – Proverbs 15:28

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is hold my tongue during what seemed to be an unrelenting attack. It is natural to want to retaliate, to jump into the fray, to defend oneself against lies and slander.

God says to hold our tongues. God says to weigh our words carefully. God says vengeance belongs to Him. God says we are safe and protected in the shelter of His wings.

Today’s Sunday school lesson was on forgiveness. It wasn’t about forgiving the small things. People hurt our feelings. People do us wrong. It’s part of life.

Today was about the big things. It was about Bart Millard forgiving the father who abused him. It was about the families of slain massacre victims forgiving the killer. It was about the big things. The things words can’t change. The things that alter lives and destroy people.

That’s the forgiveness we’re called to. That’s what Jesus did for us as He hung on the cross. Even as He suffered, He asked God to forgive those who had placed Him there. Me and you. We placed Him there.

Jesus didn’t hurl insults as those who mocked Him. Jesus didn’t defend Himself. Jesus didn’t fight back. He took the abuse and died so that you and I could live. How amazing is that?

One woman talked about trying again and again to restore a broken relationship. She talked about how hard it is to forgive, how hard it is to walk away. Yet, sometimes that’s the best thing. We can’t change the hearts of others. We can’t erase their words. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away and trust God to handle it.

She spoke of holding her tongue when she really wanted to defend herself. I know about that. It’s tough to hear lies hurled at you and to walk away. It’s hard to allow someone to blame you for what they’ve done. But there is power in the name of Christ. There is forgiveness and healing. There is strength. There is grace in a better life.

Another woman noted that it’s usually those who are guilty who keep talking. It’s as though they’re trying to justify themselves, to convince even their own hearts that they’re right even when they know they’re wrong. It’s like refusing to engage with a bully. When you walk away rather become a victim, there’s a shift toward freedom.

The satisfaction that comes from saying your piece is often short-lived. It doesn’t change anyone. It simply fuels something that should be allowed to die. Trust God to handle your situation. If you need to speak, He will give you words. Otherwise, walk away and trust Him to handle it in His timing and His way.

February 18, 2018

Words Have Consequences

And the tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. -- James 3:6-10a

She was terrified of him, convinced deep inside that he would kill her or hire someone to kill her. No amount of reassurance could convince her otherwise.

She had baited the lion with harsh words and he had risen up, his focus on destroying her and all those who cared for her.

Words get away from us sometimes. They cause more havoc than we ever imagined. The consequences reverberate over and over, until there is nothing left but anger and hatred. Pure evil stands watch over those God has vowed to protect.

She had the locks on all her doors changed. She slept with a baseball bat beside her bed. She lay awake at night, listening for the slightest sound that might indicate an intruder. Fear was her constant companion.

Yet, God tells us not to be afraid. He stands watch over us. How hard it is to rest in that truth! Life deals us blows we could never imagine and we cower behind what His word for a comfort that never seems to completely satisfy.

Words are powerful and they can never, ever be unsaid. They spew forth from hearts that are hard and angry, vicious and cruel. Words make promises, whether they are ever intended to be kept or not. Words destroy forever what could have been.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done is forgive someone who wasn’t sorry. That’s one of those Pinterest things that periodically makes its way around Facebook. It’s true. But we forgive for ourselves, not for those who damaged us with their words and actions. We forgive so that we can go on without forever being consumed with brokenness.

Our words make us feel righteous and justified. Neither is the case. Angry, hurtful words are just that. There is no love or kindness that can cover what words have destroyed.

A sweet friend is trying desperately to rebuild her marriage. Words, spoken in a moment, have created a wedge that no apology can penetrate. Forgiveness is easy to say but harder to do. Impossible really without God’s help.

Watch your words. They can never be unsaid. And, sometimes, the consequences can never be undone.

January 30, 2018

Be Careful With Your Tongue

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. – Proverbs 18:21

She was in tears. My sweet friend was crushed by the words another person had flung at her. It didn’t matter that the accusations were lies. It didn’t matter that she walked away rather than escalate a ridiculous and hurtful situation. It was days past and she was hurt to the core.

Words have a way of doing that. They are flung out in anger without a thought to the damage they cause. Those words can never be retrieved. They can never be forgotten.

Oh, I know. We forgive. We do that more for ourselves than for the other person. We forgive so we can move on without the baggage of yesterday. But the scars remain. They change the very foundation of who we are. If we let them.

We reminded my dear friend that she is lovely and kind. We told her again that she is a child of the King. She is treasured and loved. We hugged her and prayed over her. We – this group of friends who cherish her – sought to replace the hurtful words with truth.

I don’t know what caused the family rift. Neither does my friend. She’s tried repeatedly to heal it but some people just need to feed their ugliness with lies. They strike out at someone else, blaming others for a mess they caused. But lies don’t ever become truth, no matter how many times they are repeated.

Our pastor talked about what a sore loser Satan is. The demon constantly seeks to attack us at our core. He wants you to believe lies, to believe that God has abandoned you, to believe that maybe it really is all your fault.

Take a deep breath. Pull out your Bible.  Get down on your knees. Surround yourself with people who love you and love Jesus too. Fill your heart with truth.

We can allow the tongue, the words, of others to destroy us. Or we can allow the tongues of others to build us up.

The reverse is true as well. How often do you measure your words before they are spoken? How often do you hold your tongue rather than lash out in anger? How often do you choose to take your complaints to God first, before you’ve hashed it all out with others?

We are just so casual with our opinions. We are so quick to judge. We expect to say whatever we want without consequences. But there are consequences. Some words forever damage or destroy relationships we may one day wish we’d kept.

I don’t know what the future holds for my friend. This spiteful person is someone she has to deal with for now. She is strong. She is amazing. I know that she will continue to hold her own tongue and trust God to sort it all.

He does that, you know. God works all situations to our good and His glory if we’ll just trust Him to handle it.

April 17, 2016

Watch Your Mouth At Church

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. -- Romans 12:9-13

One of the most gossip-ridden places you can ever go is -- are you ready for this -- a church. One of the most hateful places you can ever go is -- you guessed it -- a church. One of the most polarizing places you can ever go is a church.

How sad is that?

We tell ourselves we aren’t really gossiping, we’re just giving a prayer request. Really? Sounds a lot like gossip.

What’s the difference? Did you give information you didn’t need to share? Did you criticize the person? Did you talk about finances or personal situations? Or did you simply say Jane is going through a divorce and needs our prayers -- and leave it there?

We don’t like to think of churches -- of Christians -- as being hateful. They are. Don’t think so? Take a listen next time someone “different” comes in the door.

“Did you see how she was dressed? That’s certainly not appropriate for church.” Or, “Can’t they control their children? I’d paddle them. That would make them mind.” Then there’s “I can’t believe they were asking for money for a mission trip. Sounds more like a vacation to me. If they want to do something good, they can start right here.”

Then there are the people who play people off of each other. They like to start a fuss. They are always critical and always have a better way of doing things. They go around badmouthing individuals they disagree with, all for the “good” of the church. Of course.

One of the saddest things ever is when a church splits because its members can’t work out their differences. That’s not about Christ and it’s certainly not from the Bible. It’s about pride and ego. No, sorry, it’s not about principles either. That’s just an excuse to get your own way.

We are called to love one another. We are to see the good in others and be patient when they fall short of our expectations, just as they are to be patient with us when we fall short of their expectations.

Watch your mouth at church today and every day. Be wise with your words, be kind and welcoming. Remember that Jesus hears every word. Be sure you’re saying something you would want Him to hear.

April 16, 2016

Speak Truth

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. -- Colossians 4:6

It was a comment meant to praise and encourage. “You’re a good mother.” It sounded, well, good. Except the young girl accepting the praise isn’t a good mother.

I stayed silent. I’ve learned to do that sometimes. (Other times I wish I’d learned to stay silent.) But it really bothered me. The young mother loves her baby. It’s not that. It’s just that she refuses to take responsibility for the day to day care giving an infant requires.

Happy photo ops are not the norm. They are the show. The responsibility -- the dirty diapers, the waking up in the middle of the night, the expenses -- are all shouldered by her parents. She not only doesn’t appreciate all they give, she resents them.

Surely, the person making the comment knew that. Didn’t she? Or was she only seeing what she wants to see? Sometimes we turn a blind eye to something that makes us uncomfortable. Sometimes we refuse to see what is right in front of us.

I am not the most diplomatic person. I am outspoken and sometimes I put way too much salt in my words. I’m trying to learn that just a little salt goes a long way when I’m speaking truth that is difficult to hear.

But I’m also learning more and more not to be silent. I was a silent victim for too long, always being cautioned to “not say anything” in order to keep the peace. It didn’t work. Volcanoes can only be contained for so long before they erupt into a fiery disaster. I wonder sometimes if the eruption would have changed in magnitude had I refused to stay silent. I’ll never know.

I do know that we sometimes avoid people who speak truth over our lives. We don’t want to hear it. We don’t want to face whatever it is we need to face. We don’t want to accept that maybe, just maybe, the words were sent from God Himself to speak truth. Like the prophet Nathan speaking truth over King David.

As Christians, we’re to weigh our words carefully. The tongue has such power to wound. We’re to let caution still our anger before we lash out with words that can never be unsaid.

But we’re also to speak truth, seasoned with salt. Build people up, yes, but do it in truth. Lies don’t benefit anyone. Neither does silence when it’s done for all the wrong reasons.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Word Can Leave Permanent Scars

 

A wise man's heart guides his mouth.

-- Proverbs 16:23a

Words are so powerful. We know that. We use them as swords in anger. We pour them out like honey as we seek our own way. We offer them up as chocolate to those we like. We turn them bitter when we don't get our own way.

But the true power of words comes in that they can never, ever be retrieved. Once they're said, they remain forever. Nothing we can do or say will ever erase them.

A dear friend was offering an example in a class one day. She'd actually witnessed a youth director using this illustrator with her students. She took a piece of unblemished wood and showed it to everyone. In my mind I see a piece of white pine, soft and light, sort of like the skin we wear on our earthly bodies.

Hurtful words are like nails being hammered into that wood, she said. They damage the exterior and then go in, scaring the interior as well.

Apologies and regrets remove the nails. Time may even sand down the roughness of the marks. But the scars remain. The wood will never be the same as it was before the nails pierced it.

That's what angry, hurtful words do to us and to others. We are wise to guard our tongues and think through our words before we speak. What we may see as justified in the moment, may have consequences far beyond what we'd ever imagined.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Hurting People Not Okay

With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape. -- Proverbs 11:9

They’d seen a man they used to know. He’s a neighbor and attends a church they’ve left behind. Still, they like him -- so they said.

The old man chuckled. “I told him he looked great except for all that hair on his face. I don’t suppose he liked what I said but, well, he knows how I am.”

Yeah, I thought to myself, he knows how you are. Mean and ugly to people who have never been anything but good and kind to you. I’m sure the man led it slide. That’s how he is -- a Christian who tries to live his faith. Unlike the old man.

I doubt he would appreciate someone approaching him with negative comments about his appearance. It would probably hurt his feelings. He would likely get angry. He wouldn’t shrug it off at all. Yet he intentionally says something ugly and laughs it off.

It’s not okay. Why do we think our words don’t matter? Why do we believe we can explain our ugliness away as “just the way I am” moments? Because ugliness is never okay. Words hurt and destroy. There’s nothing casual about that.

It’s how we compartmentalize our lives. You can be ruthless in business because that’s just the way it’s done. You can slide by the rules of dishonesty because everyone does it. And you can speak your mind because, well, it’s your mind and you choose to share.

Whatever happened to personal responsibility? When did we decide it was okay to live like the world when we choose and claim Jesus as Savior when He’s needed? Faith doesn’t work that way. Faith says that we try our best to live our lives as Jesus called us to do in all things, at all times.

Yet we don’t. I’m not talking about those moments when we make mistakes and do things we later regret. We’re sinners, plain and simple. We mess up every single day. The difference, though, is understanding that we’ve done something wrong rather than trying to explain it away.

I’m not sure how to deal with someone who doesn’t know right from wrong. Prayer seems to be the only answer. I know I’m not perfect. I don’t claim to be. I know I never will be, just as I know I will never have all the answers. But hurting someone’s feelings, intentionally, is just not okay.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Use Scripture To Take Tongue

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. -- James 2:19-21

How many of you have ever said something, then wished you could take those words back? Let’s see a show of hands. Yeah. Just what I thought. Everyone has done that a time or two or three.

The other day something happened that just infuriated me. Truly. The sheer arrogance of someone making plans that involved me without so much as checking to see if it would be okay just really upset me. To make matters worse, I did have plans that also involved a number of other people. The person’s solution? Just tell them to reschedule.

I wanted to tell that person what I really thought. I wanted to cut her down and put her in her proper place. I wanted to do and say a number of things. I didn’t. Instead, I went for a walk and tattled on her to God.

Then I started doing something I’ve done a number of times when I’ve been really upset. I started quoting a favorite piece of Scripture. Over and over and over again. Like a soothing balm, the words eventually calmed me. They didn’t take away the issue but I felt stronger and better able to deal with it.

I’ve been reading the rough draft of a book a dear friend is writing. She talks about filling our minds and our souls with Scripture. I know. All of us tend to run away when it comes to memorizing anything but especially God’s Word. It just seems so hard, especially for those of us who are getting a little older.

Yet, she’s right. When we carry God’s Word in our hearts, it fills our thoughts and directs our actions. We can more quickly turn negative thoughts into positive or problems into solutions because we know what God has to say about it all.

Another friend still sometimes gets nervous late at night. This widow has learned to quote Scripture in her mind until she falls asleep, knowing that her Savior is by her side. The words remind her that she is safe in God’s loving arms.

James tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Scripture helps us remember, taming tongues and attitudes before they do or say something that can’t be undone.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Encourage Someone Today

With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape. -- Proverbs 11:9

I am a lazy person. I am not real smart and I do most things the wrong way. How do I know? I am surrounded by people who tell me so every day.

A friend goes through something similar with her mother. Fortunately, her mother dotes on her grandchildren. Unfortunately, her view of their mother remains the same as always.

What really tears me up is that people criticize her for the way her children reject their grandmother. It isn’t enough that she takes her children to visit their grandmother. Or that she tries to care for a woman who treats her so badly. Don’t these critics realize that children hear everything? They’re smart enough to know that their grandmother is saying bad things to and about their mother. Of course they don’t want to be around her. They love their Mom.

Instead of feeling sympathy and encouraging this young woman who is in such an awful place, they condemn her. Yeah. That’s right. Blame the victim because the abuser has hurt feelings. Makes perfect sense to me.

I have no words of advice for her. I can’t even tell her that it gets better with time. Honestly, I think dealing with it just gets worse. How do you balance the biblical call to care for your parents and the very real need to protect yourself from verbal abuse? How do you keep forgiving the same people day after day -- something Jesus told us to do -- and not let it destroy you? I haven’t a clue.

The other night I listened to a man on a radio talk show telling his experiences as a child and the horrible things he learned in school. He learned he was fat. He learned he couldn’t play sports. He learned that people laughed at him when he didn’t understand something. Fortunately, in seventh grade he came upon a teacher that cared about him. She directed him to public speaking as an extracurricular activity and he excelled. The next year he had yet another teacher who encouraged him. Both, he found out later, were Christians.

Encouragement. Maybe that’s the key. We can’t change the people in our lives who are determined to knock us down at every turn. But we can encourage one another and provide a welcome respite from the cruelty the world sometimes dishes up.

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

-- Proverbs 15:4

Oh, by the way, that man who suffered so much early in school later became a teacher. A really good teacher. I don’t know his name but in 1986 he became teacher of the year for the entire nation. All it took was someone who cared enough to encourage him so that he could become the person God intended him

Monday, July 11. 2011

Words Can’t Be Returned

And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is full of wickedness that can ruin your whole life. It can turn the entire course of your life into a blazing flame of destruction, for it is set on fire by hell itself. -- James 3:6

Children are like little sponges, absorbing all that happens around them. Sometimes they learn good things. Sometimes they learn things we wish they’re never seen or heard.

Pastor Rob likes to take a moment each Sunday to talk with the children before they head out to Children’s Church. It’s sort of like a mini-sermon with an easy to understand message for all of us. Yesterday he talked about toothpaste and tongues.

He showed the children a small tube of Colgate toothpaste. You know the ones I’m talking about. I think they still call them “travel size.” He had a small plate and he squeezed the toothpaste onto the plate. The children looked at him with wide eyes, unsure why this new pastor was doing something like that. He didn’t even have a toothbrush!

Then he offered a nickel to whichever child could put the toothpaste back into the tube. Nobody could do that. Well, nobody but God. We all chuckled when one child loudly proclaimed, “God could do it!” Yes, He could. How precious is the voice of a child, whose belief is so simple and so strong.

But that wasn’t the point Pastor Rob was getting to. He likened the toothpaste to words -- when we speak ugly words, we can’t take them back. Oh, we can apologize. We can try to make it right. But we can never take those words back.

None of the children wanted to admit they sometimes say hateful things. Sounds like the rest of us. But with a little prompting, they did confess that sometimes they can talk mean to other people such as a brother or sister. One youngster tried to explain that his brother said bad things to him too. But bad words from one person doesn’t justify bad words in return. No matter how much we want to believe they do.

The children said a prayer with Pastor Rob and they rushed out the door with their teachers. I pray they remember the lesson they heard and that they carry it with them all their days. And I pray, too, that we adults remember as well, that the sprout of a fiery tongue causes harm while the warmth of a gentle word brings love and healing.