July 15, 2018

Weigh Your Words

The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil. – Proverbs 15:28

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is hold my tongue during what seemed to be an unrelenting attack. It is natural to want to retaliate, to jump into the fray, to defend oneself against lies and slander.

God says to hold our tongues. God says to weigh our words carefully. God says vengeance belongs to Him. God says we are safe and protected in the shelter of His wings.

Today’s Sunday school lesson was on forgiveness. It wasn’t about forgiving the small things. People hurt our feelings. People do us wrong. It’s part of life.

Today was about the big things. It was about Bart Millard forgiving the father who abused him. It was about the families of slain massacre victims forgiving the killer. It was about the big things. The things words can’t change. The things that alter lives and destroy people.

That’s the forgiveness we’re called to. That’s what Jesus did for us as He hung on the cross. Even as He suffered, He asked God to forgive those who had placed Him there. Me and you. We placed Him there.

Jesus didn’t hurl insults as those who mocked Him. Jesus didn’t defend Himself. Jesus didn’t fight back. He took the abuse and died so that you and I could live. How amazing is that?

One woman talked about trying again and again to restore a broken relationship. She talked about how hard it is to forgive, how hard it is to walk away. Yet, sometimes that’s the best thing. We can’t change the hearts of others. We can’t erase their words. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away and trust God to handle it.

She spoke of holding her tongue when she really wanted to defend herself. I know about that. It’s tough to hear lies hurled at you and to walk away. It’s hard to allow someone to blame you for what they’ve done. But there is power in the name of Christ. There is forgiveness and healing. There is strength. There is grace in a better life.

Another woman noted that it’s usually those who are guilty who keep talking. It’s as though they’re trying to justify themselves, to convince even their own hearts that they’re right even when they know they’re wrong. It’s like refusing to engage with a bully. When you walk away rather become a victim, there’s a shift toward freedom.

The satisfaction that comes from saying your piece is often short-lived. It doesn’t change anyone. It simply fuels something that should be allowed to die. Trust God to handle your situation. If you need to speak, He will give you words. Otherwise, walk away and trust Him to handle it in His timing and His way.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Sharing Meals Strengthens Families

When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him.”

-- Luke 24:30-31a

Here in the Deep South we are all about food. Not fancy food but comfort food. The kind of food that makes a table groan from the weight. The sort of food that makes a person feel loved and nourished and cared for.

Whenever anything happens -- be it death, illness, celebration -- everybody brings food. A dear friend once explained that we just want to do something to let others know that we care, so we take food. Handing someone a casserole or plate of cookies is a tangible thing that says we care.

It used to be that families sat down together at least once a day for a meal. It was a time to reconnect, to share stories, to remember who we are. No more. We are part of a fast food nation that runs like crazy and shares meals on the go. It’s really kind of sad.

Jesus used meal times to teach about God and the lessons of life. I’d never really paid too much attention to how many passages in the Bible speak of food and feasting until reading the book, The Jesus Life by Stephen W. Smith. It’s amazing in some ways and in other ways it is just so right and true.

What is a meal all about? Preparation. Serving. Sharing. When someone takes the time to prepare your favorite dish you can’t help but feel loved. When someone invites you to share a place at their table, you feel welcomed and wanted. It is so intimate and yet so open and welcoming.

Of course, just sitting at the same table and sharing a meal doesn’t deepen relationships. That happens when we talk to one another. No television. No cell phones. Just conversations where you look someone in the eye and really hear what they have to say. Text messages tell us a lot but nothing replaces human contact.

There are many ways to start conversations. Sharing a good moment from the day, sharing a concern, talking about current issues. It’s all part of our days. Listening is something learned. It becomes not so much about what we have to say as what we have to hear. Taking time to respect the views of those closest to us enough to really hear what they have to say.

So many families these days don’t really know each other. Not really. Because we’re just too busy, too distracted, too focused on things that don’t matter to sit down and share a meal and really talk to each other. Imagine the things we could learn, the stories we could tell, the laughter and love we could share.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Family Hurts Go Deep

But the king said, “What do you and I have in common, you sons of Zeruiah? If he is cursing because the LORD said to him, ‘Curse David,’ who can ask, ‘Why do you do this?’”

-- 2 Samuel 16:10

Have you ever remained silent when someone else said horrible things about you? Have you ever walked away when someone did something really cruel to you? Did you think, deep down inside, that maybe you deserved the hateful words and cruel actions?

David was fleeing from his son Absalom. He refused to allow his soldiers to deal with Shemei, who was pelting the king with rocks and yelling curses at him. David thought that perhaps God had told the man to do so. After all, David hadn’t dealt well with Absalom. He hadn’t defended his daughter when she was raped by his oldest son. And he hadn’t dealt well with Absalom, after he murdered his brother. David was a wonderful king but a not-so-wonderful father.

And he felt it deeply. So do we. Nothing hurts as badly as family squabbles. None of us are perfect, especially when it comes to family dynamics and always knowing what to do and say when. We feel our failures. We mourn our mistakes. We feel we deserve the rejection we’re dealt because maybe, just maybe, we could have done something different.

Maybe we did the best we could. Maybe the other person encouraged our mistakes. Maybe it doesn’t matter what we do, it will always be wrong. Everyone has their own special place within the family structure. Sometimes that mantle of “failure” or “disappointment” or “not real bright” falls on you. And it hurts.

“It may be that the LORD will see my distress and repay me with good for the cursing I am receiving today.” -- 2 Samuel 16:12

God sees all things. He hears it all. He knows our hearts. He knows our mistakes and failures and He knows when we have been wronged. God works it all our in the end, defending His children and repaying the wrongs done to them. And punishing those who are wayward, seeking only to bring them back to His waiting arms.

David’s son wanted him dead. And David knew he shared at least part of the blame for that. It didn’t excuse Absalom’s actions. And it didn’t heal David’s heart. But this king turned to His God for comfort and strength and, eventually, restoration to the throne God had given to him.

When the hurt goes deep, when you wonder if maybe you deserve what you’re facing, turn to God. His arms are open wide. He offers strength and comfort and restoration to the life He planned for you all along.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Call On God For Guidance

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought." -- 1 Corinthians 1:10

It was as typical as it was sad. Another family disagreeing over how to care for an elderly parent. My friend, an in-law with no vote, was exhausted as she tried to help with daily care for someone she loves. Everyone in the family wants what is best but sometimes what's best depends on whether you're thinking with your mind or your heart. And, really, who can separate the two when love is involved?

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept is the failing health of a close relative. We want to ignore it. We want to believe it's temporary and that our loved one will soon be better. We want to believe we can hold out to care for them the way our love dictates that we must. We resist hiring help because no one can care like a family member. But physical limits, jobs, children and other responsibilities get neglected as everyone focuses on the elderly relative. There is no easy answer.

Why do we resist asking God to intervene? Why do we try and work it out on our own? Why do we hold tightly to our opinions, refusing to listen to outside counsel? Why are we determined to hang on to our hurt rather than open our hearts to others who share our pain?

Maybe the first step -- after praying together -- is to talk calmly. Maybe it is listening even when our hearts cry out with pain because we don't want to hear the words. Maybe it is talking with a trusted advisor, such as a pastor, doctor or hospice worker. Surely it is continuing to pray together and alone for guidance from God.

In times of crisis, it's so important for families to draw together, using their love of Jesus and their loved one to unify their family. Don't let pain drive you apart. Instead, let God use it to draw you, together, toward Him.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Hang On To Jesus

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." -- Ephesians 6:13

Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time of hope, family, friendship and giving. We celebrate Jesus' birth and that joyous event brings out the best in everyone. Sometimes. It also can bring out the worst.

For some people, the holidays are filled with drama and trauma and a whole lot of unhappy days. We come together as a family, hopeful that this year we'll have that perfect gathering. We want to all get along. We want to laugh and be merry and enjoy being together. But our expectations are impossibly high. The person who can't stand to be in the same room with you in September, probably isn't going to engage in a love fest with you in December. And the person who lies about you in February, probably also lied about you in December. Harsh reality rears its ugly head.

I always used to dream of that perfect holiday. You know what I'm talking about. The one where everyone got along. The family gathering where I was actually welcomed and accepted rather than tolerated and slandered. Then I moved away and life was different. Lonely? Not so much. The drama was gone. I spent holidays with people by choice. Sometimes I was alone. My focus was always on Jesus. He was more than enough.

I came back and life returned to as it was before. Don't get me wrong. I still long for that perfect holiday. I want to be the perfect daughter, sister, aunt and friend. I want to join together people who are estranged. I want life to be filled with hope and renewal aimed toward what could be rather than stuck in the past of what was. But I am one person. And there are some who thrive on lies and bitterness. That's just how it is.

So I put on the armor God has given to me. I stand, mostly alone, in His shadow, holding my tongue and smiling through the insults. Mostly, anyway. I am human. Sometimes I slip up and respond to the goading. That sets off a round of guilt and I'm so terribly tired of that road.

We want holidays to be like those we see on television. We want that happily ever after ending. Some people get it. I'm glad for them. For the rest of us, we do the best we can. Emotions are heightened during this season of joy. Expectations surround us. We can get through it all by hanging on to Jesus and remembering that it's His birthday we're celebrating. All the other stuff is just commercialism and hype that doesn't really matter at all.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Invite God To Your Gatherings

"Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son." -- Genesis 18:14

The holidays are coming! The holidays are coming! Get out the tough exterior, bring on the extra tissue, put on the boxing gloves. All the family stuff is coming out again and it's bound to result in hurt feelings and angry exchanges.

I know. Just once I'd like a holiday season with no snide comments or jealousy-fueled emotions. I'd like to have that storybook gathering where everyone laughs and loves and gets along. It's fantasy. I do get that. But I've always loved to dream of how things could be.

I imagine that Sarah once dreamed about having children. As she and Abraham grew older, sadness probably rested deep inside her. She tolerated the comments and stares. It would have been much worse back them to be childless. More so, even, than now. Then God sent word that she would have a child in her old age. The Bible tells us she laughed. I can almost hear the bitterness in the sound. How cruel is it to promise someone something that is impossible?

Except God doesn't do that. He told Abraham and Sarah they would have a child and they did. God can do anything -- even mend broken families. I wonder sometimes if the reason he doesn't do it more often is because we're so busy trying to handle it ourselves that we don't ask for His help. Silly, isn't it? He's the first One we should turn to when things are out of control.

This holiday season just turn it all over to God. Ask Him to do more than just bless the food. Ask Him to be present during your gatherings with family and friends. Ask Him to mend broken relationships and heal hurt hearts. Ask God to touch the lives of everyone present and to draw those you love closer together. Trust Him. He can do it if you'll only just ask.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Check Your Heart

"A poor man is shunned by all his relatives -- how much more do his friends avoid him!

-- Proverbs 19:7

Have you ever noticed that the poor relatives rarely get mentioned -- at least in the same sentence as something good. Everyone will be gathered around getting caught up, but no one brags about the son who does nonprofit work and struggles to make ends meet. No one talks about the sibling who got laid off from a job -- again.

I know a woman who barely acknowledges a brother who has struggled financially. He's one of those shoot-yourself-in-the-foot kind of guys. A real hard worker who makes the decision to go with a company that is struggling financially. Or who moves in one direction, only to have outside factors mess that up too. It's sad. A good person who has no family support. Just a history of bad choices and a longing for family to hold close.

Or the black-sheep of another family. He struggled early with drug and alcohol problems. He's been clean for years but he hasn't caught up financially with his successful siblings. And they never let him forget. They act as though they're doing him a favor just by spending time with him. He knows how they feel. They are Christians and see nothing wrong with their lack of forgiveness or acceptance for the wayward brother who turned his life around.

Want to know how people really feel about you? Lose your job and have trouble getting another one. Other people will avoid you like the plague. It's almost as though they think your misfortune will somehow taint them. Silly, I know. But true.

The invitations stop when your financial circumstances take a fall. Of course, you don't have the money for nice dinners out or trips to the coast. No one wants to hear about your job search or struggles to get by. Secretly, the people around you may wonder why you're having financial issues. They leave you to youself to sort things out, if you know what I mean.

I am forever amazed at the wisom of Solomon. The proverbs are so relevant today. I read them over and over and see people I know, including myself, reflected in them. I wish I'd memorized some of them before I learned the lesson the hard way. Others I read and apply, trying to avoid a mistake or attempting to alter my views so they are more like God's.

I want to be the person who welcomes the poor and those who have faced a few of life's struggles. I want to be compassionate and kind. I want to remember that all of us have made wrong turns of one kind or another. I want to treat others as equal to me. We all belong to God. We are uniquely created in His image. We are all worthy of love and acceptance, forgiveness and support. All of us, rich or poor. God doesn't check our bank accounts. He checks our hearts. What does yours look like?