July 16, 2022

 

Beloved

 

We love because He first loved us. – 1 John 4:19

 

It’s amazing what an adult remembers from childhood. The words that can stick and replay more than half a century later. A psychiatrist – my Mother’s doctor – told me I’d always have a difficult time with relationships because I didn’t have a model of what love is. Powerful words for an already broken teen.

 

He was right in so many ways. An unwanted child has no concept of what love and acceptance looks like. But he wasn’t counting on Jesus. Maybe that psychiatrist didn’t know God’s love.

 

But God Almighty met me in that dark place and placed His Spirit inside of me. And that made all the difference.

 

Was I miraculously healed? No. Did I struggle at times? Without a doubt. I was broken in ways that only Jesus could put back together. But He did put me back together. I do know what love looks like – and it was nothing like my childhood.

 

I have stumbled more times than I can count. I have made countless mistakes. I have repeatedly chosen people who said all the right things and then betrayed me because I didn’t know that I deserved more than the crumbs of affection I was given.

 

But Jesus never left me. Ever. When all the world condemned and cursed me for not being enough, Jesus stayed by my side. He held me close. He showed me what true love looks like.

 

Don’t ever settle for less than what you deserve. You are a child of God, beloved beyond anything you could imagine. When the dark world closes in and seeks to destroy you, hang on to Him. Jesus will never let you down.

March 14, 2018

Teachers Help Their Students

My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!

– Psalm 119:28

She had called DHR. For those who don’t know, that’s the Department of Human Resources. It’s who you call to report suspected child abuse or neglect. It was her first time.

She didn’t give specifics. There was no need. She admitted she’d probably never know what the social workers found. She’d likely never see if anything really changed for the child. For some reason, teachers aren’t deemed worthy to know such things.

Years before I had consoled a friend as she navigated the first years of teaching second grade. “They (college professors) don’t tell you how to handle it all,” she said. “They train you to teach the children how to read and write, how to do math and learn about history. But what about all the other stuff? Young children can’t just leave it at the door and get on with their education.”

How true. No one explains what to do when a little girl shows up for class in a summer dress and no coat even though its freezing outside. No one trains you how to help a little boy who is now living with his grandmother because his daddy killed his mama.

The easy answer is to report it to the proper authorities and trust they will handle it. Social workers are supposed to make sure children get the counseling they need. They’re supposed to make sure children are properly cared for, getting the food, medical care, clothing and housing they deserve. Except that doesn’t always happen.

In our world, the focus is on keeping the family together even when it’s obviously not in the best interest of the child. Parents have rights, you know. There’s a long process. The children live life in limbo, unsettled and traded around like playing cards. Is shared blood really worth the cost?

Are there any better options? Foster care can be wonderful or a nightmare. How can anyone ever tell what is best for a broken child? Can love ever remove the scars of rejection and neglect that linger long into a life that goes on?

Another teacher told about finding out on social media that one of her students had been prostituted out by her own mother. She was able to connect court appearance dates with behavior issues with the child. Suddenly, it all made sense. That knowledge helped the teacher as she helped the child.

Teachers spend five days each week with their students. They are the first line of defense. Yet they are usually the last to know what’s going on with their students. Why is that? Aren’t they trustworthy? We trust them to teach our children. Why can’t we trust them to help those same children cope with horrible life circumstances?

There is a bond that develops between a teacher and her students. Their hearts break for those who are hurting, those who aren’t being nurtured and provided with proper care. God alone can open all our eyes to see the children who need help and to grant us the strength and courage to make the call. Maybe one day we’ll see the value of including teachers in the process.

April 22, 2016

God Provides Justice

18 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2 He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. 3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’

4 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”

6 And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” -- Luke 18:1-8

Some people have a great faith in our judicial system. I’m not one of them.

I realize it’s impossible for judges and juries to always make the right decision. But I also believe our judicial system is flawed, especially when it comes to those who can’t speak for themselves.

I’m talking about children. Right now we are reeling from a judge’s decision to reconcile a baby with his mother. I guess I just believe that a mother who either failed to protect her baby (and never reported injuries) or abused that baby, should never get him back. Ever.

The judge has a different opinion. Stories of children returned to abusive homes only to be permanently injured or killed keep running through my head. Not this baby, I beg God. Not this sweet child!

Years ago a couple divorced when their child was still a baby. The mother didn’t want custody and so his daddy raised him. Sometimes the mother would get him on the weekend. Sometimes she cancelled at the last minute because something better came along. His daddy was his constant caregiver.

Years later she met someone else and had another child. Suddenly she decided she wanted her first little boy to live with her. That child was ripped from a good home, against his wishes. Why? Because a mother who didn’t want him changed her mind?

In both cases, the courts put the wishes of the mother above the best interests of the child. Yeah. I know. Outside looking in. Except I know these cases well and it breaks my heart.

That little boy lived with his mother until the day he was old enough to decide for himself where he would live. He’s back with his Dad, where he should have been all along. It’s an answer to prayer and we are thankful.

The other little boy, that baby, well, all we can do is pray for his safety. We continue to pray that God will intervene. This baby who raises his tiny hand in worship, this child who is learning to love Jesus, should have that chance to serve His God.

I don’t plan to back away from this. I don’t plan to go quietly. None of us do. We want to bug God, to plead with Him, to ask for justice for this little boy. He deserves protection. We all do.

We serve a God of justice and mercy. He takes care of His children, especially the little ones who have no voice of their own.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Scars Last Forever

 

The LORD will keep you from all harm --

He will watch over your life;

The LORD will watch over your coming and going

Both now and forevermore.

-- Psalm 121:7-8

The other day I found a nail in my bed. I was taking the sheets off the mattress to wash them and there it was. A shiny new nail.

How did it get there? My mind raced with possible scenarios. Could it have accidentally been washed and dried? It seems possible, though it isn’t the type of nail I ever use. Still, I want to believe it was just a freak thing.

I mentioned it to others. One response was immediate: “I didn’t put it there.” I bit back the words that wanted to force themselves out. I wanted to remind the person that I’d never said she put it there. I’d expected a similar theory, that the nail had come in from the wash. The immediate denial planted suspicion that took immediate residence somewhere deep inside of me. I struggled to kill the thought. It wasn’t true. I know that. Sort of.

Trust isn’t something we share. I lock my bedroom door every single night before I go to sleep. It is some measure of protection. I would feel better still if my dogs were there with me. No. I don’t trust. Not anymore. It is a product of a childhood with scars that remain long after forgiveness has been given.

Not long ago someone mentioned a teenager who was acting out. One person had approached the teen’s parents but was surprised at the lack of response. I was asked for my opinion on what could be done to bring the teenager back into line.

My response: Was the teen being abused? If the open mouths were any indication, I don’t think anyone expected my response. I was serious. Kids who are being abused tend to act out. It is both a cry for attention and a channel for their anger.

Those who were part of the conversation were horrified. They know the teen’s parents. They socialize with the family. It doesn’t matter. Abuse happens in the best of families. So does denial. I’m not saying the teen’s parents are abusers but it sure doesn’t make sense that they’d refuse to listen to their child’s cry for help.

The question then turns back to us: What are we going to do? I suggested that criticism - no matter how well intended - will only push the teen further away. Instead, open a dialogue. Make sure the teen knows you are a safe place, an open ear, a defender no matter what.

Abuse happens in the best of families. It happens to people we know. It breaks the hearts and destroys the trust of people all around us. Don’t turn a blind or critical eye onto the victim. Think before you act because you have the power to make the situation better or make it a whole lot worse.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Predators Can Look Like Us

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like white-washed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.” -- Matthew 23:27-28

Child predators have certainly been in the news lately. The Jerry Sandusky trial makes headlines daily and that brings out all sorts of comments and focus on other, lesser known cases.

What is so striking is that so many predators were “normal” people. They were well respected. Some were in positions of authority. They had power over their victims because the victims knew no one would believe them. They were probably right.

Because we have a stereotype floating around in our minds of what someone who abuses children looks like. We know what sort of family he or she comes from. We know what to watch for -- and it is never the family next door, the coach, the pastor, or someone who sits a few pews down from us at church.

And that is part of the problem. We don’t see child abuse, we don’t hear it or believe it, because we can’t see past the exteriors of those who look, act and seem just like us. The thought is just too horrifying.

One woman said her son didn’t want to go to the coach’s house but she made him anyway. Who wouldn’t? He was well respected. He was married with kids of his own. His influence could only be good. Right?

It sure seemed that way, except for the nightmare that those kids endured. And still endure. Because abuse never leaves you. It shapes who you are. You can grow past it but you can never undo what it has done to your psyche.

That’s especially true for those kids who tried to tell someone what was going on. It takes a lot of courage to tell an adult someone has done something wrong to you. Can you imagine how devastating it is to have that adult get angry, tell you that you’re lying? Do you know how alone those kids must feel when no adult can see past the exterior to understand the horror of the interior?

People aren’t always who they seem to be. Sounds simple. We know it. We do. We just don’t believe it when it comes to the people around us, people we know personally. We expect we’d just “know” that something was off but Satan is very cunning.

Sure, we should trust people but we also should be wary. Watchful. Alert. And we should remember something really important: Better to believe a child and have that child be wrong than to dismiss a child and have that child be right.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Abuse Comes From Darkness

“So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.”

-- Matthew 10:26-28

It happened years ago. Well before the times of lawsuits and disclosures. Long before he’d gained the wisdom and strength of a long life. It bothers him still. A decision he’s still not comfortable with.

For good reason.

Because what that group of deacons did was protect a church’s reputation rather than punish an offender. They covered up a pastor’s sexual exploits with teenage girls rather than face the public repercussions. They took the easy path and we all know that easy isn’t always right.

He doesn’t know what happened to the man. He could be dead by now because it happened so long ago. But sexual predators rarely stop what they’ve begun. That church almost certainly sent a predator off to find other victims.

I know. Times were different. It was long before the Catholic church scandal rocked us all. It was before such things were talked about in the open. It was back when reputation was everything and protecting that reputation was to be done at all costs.

It is easy to look back in hindsight and see the flawed logic. It is easy to condemn and lecture. But we can’t change the past. We can’t undo the wrong that was done. We can’t change a decision that should have been made differently.

Perhaps I am more sensitive than most. Years ago I knew a young woman who was sexually abused. Because she didn’t remain silent, because she didn’t go along with the wishes of others, she was ostracized by her church and her family. Yeah. I could hardly believe it either.

She spent years in therapy. She tried to commit suicide. She was bright and shining on the outside but inside she was a wounded soul. She desperately needed Jesus but seeking Him didn’t feel safe anymore.

It is never okay to cover up abuse. It is never okay to look the other way. It is never okay to pretend abuse never happened. And it is never okay to blame the victim.

If you even suspect abuse, call the authorities. The police, the Sheriff’s department, many human resources agencies, are all equipped to handle investigations. Start a safe sanctuaries program at your church. Be aware and be vigilante. It is the responsibility of all of us to protect the children around us.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Pay Attention To Hurting Children

Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close. -- Psalm 27:10

It’s hard to hear the news reports of children missing. It’s harder to hear the reports of bodies found and then realizing that someone close to the child is guilty of something horrible. But the hardest by far is when a parent abuses or murders a child. That hits us deep in our hearts.

It just seems unnatural for a parent to hurt a child. Oh, I’m not talking about hurt feelings or a time out. You know that. I’m talking about real pain, whether it’s physical or emotional. Parents are supposed to love their children no matter what so how can a parent not love his/her child?

Yet it happens every moment of every day. We only hear about the horrific cases on the news reports. We might know of a situation where children were taken from their parents due to abuse or neglect. But what about the children who remain with parents who abuse or mistreat them. Do you see them? Do you hear their cries? Because chances are they are in families that, from the outside at least, look exactly like yours.

That’s what we don’t want to see. We want to believe that abuse only happens on the other side of town. We don’t want to think it happens to people we know. We make excuses. We shake it off, certain that we didn’t see or hear what we thought we saw and heard.

So what happens when you suspect abuse? Do you call the authorities? Do you tell someone at their school? Do you ignore it? Do you reassure yourself that you’re overreacting? Do you turn a hurting child away because you’re convinced that intervention would only make it worse?

I’m glad we have laws now that require abuse be reported. They need to be stricter. Maybe we’re moving toward that. We are so busy not getting into other people’s business that we fail to do what is right, what is just, what is moral.

We talk sometimes about how it takes a village to raise a child. You’re part of that village. So am I. We don’t get a pass to look the other way.

I’m not suggesting you put yourself in an unsafe situation. Sometimes the best thing you can do is call the police or child welfare and let their trained professionals handle the situation. Sometimes being a safe haven for a child is the best solution, especially if your children are the same age. But don’t just do nothing.

There are hurting children all around us. Pay attention. Child abuse isn’t okay under any circumstances. Take action to stop it when you see or even suspect it’s happening. Do what’s right, what is just, what is moral.

Friday, November 11, 2011

God’s Law Rules

“But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” -- Matthew 18:6

The news has rocked Penn State and the sports world. Former football defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky is accused of sexually abusing eight young boys. Athletics director Tim Curley (now on administrative leave) and Senior Vice President Gary Schultz (now retired) have been arrested on charges of perjury and failing to report information about Sandusky’s activities. Now Head Coach Joe Paterno and University President Graham Spanier have been fired.

It’s one of those who knew what when scenarios and none of the answers are pretty. Paterno was not charged. At least not in criminal court. He reported allegations of sexual misconduct to his boss. That’s all he’s legally required to do.

But the charges he faces in the moral court are something else entirely. The alleged incidents took place over a span of 15 years. At least one of the attacks allegedly took place after Paterno found out. Was doing what was legally required really all he was morally obligated to do?

This is where God’s law supersedes man’s law. To remain silent, to watch from the sidelines, while nothing was done to stop an alleged predator is beyond comprehension. How could anyone turn a blind eye while an abuser continues to abuse?

Of course, Paterno wasn’t alone. Some people allegedly witnessed acts between Sandusky and young boys. Where were their voices in all this? And what did university officials do? How could anyone think that covering up sexual abuse would make it go away? The Catholic church taught a really good lesson on that very thing. They should have paid attention.

And where are the kids in all this mess? Somewhere there are at least eight young men who will forever have scars because an adult they trusted did something horrible to them. Has anyone considered the children? Were they even part of the equation as adults tried to keep this terrible secret from surfacing?

I know. Sandusky and the others haven’t had their day in court. It’s such a sick scenario. We could have youngsters facing a jury to tell their story. Justice at the cost of further injury to the victims. Haven’t they suffered enough?

As for Sandusky, he’ll pay for any crimes he’s committed. And the others will pay for their crimes as well. They’ll have to live with the knowledge that they knew something awful was happening and they didn’t stop it.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

God Heals All Hurts

But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. -- Matthew 18:6

The subject was child abuse. We all sat around the table and shook our heads. How to explain why God allows such evil to happen? No one knew. We can't possibly understand it. Sure, it comes from Satan. And, yes, we live in a fallen world with free choice granted from God. But to abuse an innocent child? Horrifying doesn't begin to describe it.

Children of abuse grow up to think badly about themselves and sometimes about God. They blame Him for not protecting them. They blame themselves for somehow "allowing" the abuse to take place. They see themselves as someone who got what they deserved. They sin again and again because they believe they are the evil that was done to them.

God is ever seeing. His heart breaks for the little ones Satan and his minions have harmed and led astray. He stands ready, arms outstretched, to snatch his children into His loving embrace. He waits patiently, knowing that He can heal and use the small victims He longs to reclaim. And woe to those who harmed His precious children. He will judge those who are guilty.

How do we heal from childhood abuse? The scars never fade away. They are ever present, much as the nail wounds remain present on Jesus' arms. But God can and will heal the open wounds. He will soothe the hurt and empower the victims. He will lead the innocent to victory. But, first, we have to take that first step. We have to reach out. We have to call His name. We have to let ourselves be enfolded in his embrace.

Why does God allow children to become victims? I don't know. My mind tries to explain it but my heart screams out in anguish. It's something I will probably never understand. But I do know that God heals all hurts, even those that run deep into the soul. He is waiting to heal your hurts. Will you let him?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Don't Look The Other Way

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." -- Romans 12:21

The news seemed shocking at best. A mother killed her two teenage children. She planned the murders. She bought a gun and did the unthinkable.

She is obviously mentally ill. Warning signs? Probably everywhere. But we make excuses. We fail to see. Mothers aren't supposed to hate their children. Abuse doesn't happen to families like ours, living in "good" neighborhoods with respectible family incomes. Why are we so blind?

Not all parents love their children. Mothers are capable of being just as mean and cruel as fathers. Maybe more so. It's like the absence of maternal love manifests itself into a hatred that is often beyond comprehension.

Maybe we don't see the signs because we refuse to look. We explain away the words, the actions, the neglect, because we can't understand such horror this close to home. Those children called out for help. The "experts" determined there was no real danger. Two teens are dead. How real is that?

And what if there had been no murders, just years and years of abuse? Would that have made the inactions of others okay? Would the unseen scars that come from a parent's rejection have been justified so that we wouldn't have to deal with the ugliness of child abuse?

No one ever truly knows what goes on in another person's home. But a child crying out for help deserves to be heard. We are not called to look the other way but rather to get dirty if need be in the service of the Lord. Do you really think that Jesus would have minded his own business and walked away?

A little intervention might have saved the lives of two children. And that is something we .call have to live with.