September 13, 2018

Watch Your Words

To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the proper answer of the tongue. – Proverbs 16:1

I don’t know her. It was one of those God things that brought us together. She wanted something I had to sell. I certainly didn’t know she was four months into her season of grief. And she surely didn’t know grief was something I understood. But God brought us together for a moment and that turned out to be a good thing.

She was trying to move on. Her friends were trying to be helpful, encouraging even. Get over it, they advised. Start a new life, they said. Redecorate your house with something that’s new and different, they told her. They wanted to help but all they did was pour more anguish into her fresh wounds.

Everyone grieves differently. There’s no right or wrong way. Some people have an uncanny knack for bouncing back. Most of us linger in the pain for a while. She is one of those.

Some days are good, she told me. Other days she can barely function. It’s all normal to me. It might have been normal to her had she not had such well-meaning people in her life. She thought she should push forward and pretend she was okay, even on the hard days. She was beating herself up because she just couldn’t.

My advice? Give yourself a break. Enjoy the good days and take care of yourself  on the bad days. If you need to cry, go ahead and cry. If you need to mope, go ahead and do it. Just don’t stay there. Grief is a journey and there are no quick fixes.

Her friends mean well. They do. They just don’t understand what they haven’t lived. That’s true in so many areas of life.

I had a friend tell me I didn’t know what it was like having children. She’s right. I don’t. But as I reminded her, she doesn’t know what it’s like to not have the children you once desperately wanted. The shock on her face still makes me chuckle. She had never considered the other side.

I am in a Bible study on Job. We talked about how well-meaning friends can say the absolutely worst things. Friends can hurt us deeply without realizing the weight of their words. They make assumptions. They speak from themselves without considering the differences. They aim to fix what only God can heal.

Sometimes the absolutely best thing you can say to someone hurting is – drum roll here – nothing. Just give them a hug. Sit quietly beside them. Walk with them. You can’t fix it. You can’t. But you can love them without hurting them.

That’s not to say that we don’t sometimes need friends to speak truth into our lives. Notice earlier that while I encouraged this woman to cry and mourn, I also told her not to live there. I speak from experience. I spoke from a heart that has known deep pain. And she heard that in my words.

Some seasons of life are just hard. I know it’s something I say a lot but I do so because it’s true. I also do so because there are just so many hurting people in this world. Don’t add to their pain with careless words. Don’t try to fix them or their situation. Just love them and trust God to heal them.

January 15, 2018

What Kind of Witness Are You?

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. – 1 John 3:18

He means well. He does. He is a man of God, determined to help others. He sees needs and he speaks. He’ll help. He’ll organize a group. It’ll get done.

Except it never gets done. He’s moved on to something else, to someone else’s need. It wasn’t intentional. It’s just that there are so many people who need help and there really isn’t enough time or workers to do it all.

So he makes promises he’s not going to keep. Again. He’s a good man. He has good intentions. But his witness, well, it’s not so great.

He would be appalled at that statement. He reads and studies his Bible. He prays. He attends church faithfully. But to those just outside of his orbit, the ones who are in need, the ones who hear his promises and then wait expectantly for help that won’t come, well, they don’t think so highly of him or his God.

Ah. There you have it. God. This man proclaims his faith and good intentions with his mouth but he doesn’t follow through with his actions. And that nullifies his witness for God. If they can’t depend on a man of God to do what he says he will do, then maybe they can’t depend on God to do what He says either.

You and I both know that God is trustworthy. He always keeps His promises. God never, ever lets us down. That’s not the case with humans. We let people down all the time. We are forever making promises we can’t keep because we want to make people happy. Well, maybe it’s because we want to make life easier for ourselves.

There is a sweet woman at our church who has just the brightest smile. She has good intentions too. She also has a reputation. Oh, don’t believe anything she tells you, others say. She always volunteers but she never actually shows up, they confide. Oh, she’s not dependable. Yeah. I found that out.

There is no need to volunteer for something when you aren’t going to do it. Think ahead. Is the timing inconvenient? Are you juggling too many things already? Is it just not something you would enjoy? Whatever the reason, it’s okay. Just don’t volunteer. Learn to say nothing or to say no. Really. It’s more important to be honest upfront than to make a promise you aren’t going to keep.

Of course, it’s easy to point fingers. We are quick to spot the hypocrisy in others. We climb onto our lofty perch and point fingers at those below. It’s way harder to look in the mirror and ask ourselves: What have I promised that I didn’t do? What have I committed to do and then decided I just didn’t have time? What good intentions have I pushed aside for something more urgent or for someone I see regularly?

We are all witnesses for Christ. All of us. As the saying goes, you may be the only Bible some people ever read. So what are they reading when they see you? 

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Replace Good Intentions With Action

Teach us to make the most of time, so that we may grow in wisdom. -- Psalm 90:12

Time is one of those elusive things. We never seem to have enough of it to do the things we must and we certainly can’t find enough time to do the things we should. So we wait for a better day, a better moment, a different season of our lives.

And it never comes. We have learned to fill our days with seemingly necessary tasks and to give ourselves to mindless things in a vain effort to find strength to begin again tomorrow. The days run on and on. Where, oh where, does the time go?

We meant to visit that friend in the hospital. We meant to take food to our elderly neighbor. We intended to volunteer with the Upward program. We planned to read the Bible all the way through. We intended to do something wonderful for someone else. We just never found the time.

And then our lives are over. Our health is gone and here we are with mounds of good intentions that never got done. Will never get done. Because we never found the time to do what was important while we still could.

This verse reminds me that the things that truly matter, those that have eternal significance, are worth my time and yours. We can turn the television off and read the Bible. We can give up a Saturday golf game or shopping trip to volunteer with one of the many outreach activities available through our churches and other charitable organizations. We can forgo a dinner out and visit a friend or neighbor or fellow church member who is sick or alone or in need.

Time is fleeting. May God always grant us the wisdom to find time for what is important. May we reach out to those who need a kind word, a visit or a call. May He convict us when we find excuses for not doing what we know we should.

Heavenly Father, open our eyes and make us aware of how we use our time. Let our moments be used to bring you glory and let our lives reflect your light outward toward a darkened world. In Jesus’ name. Amen