Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Don’t Let Bitterness Grow

Then Joab went to Geshur and brought Absalom back to Jerusalem. But the king said, “He must go to his own house; he must not see my face.” So Absalom went to his own house and did not see the face of the king. -- 2 Samuel 14:23-24

Absalom had fled after he killed his brother Amnon for raping his sister Tamar. Now Absalom was back home -- but not reconciled with his father. I think perhaps Absalom would have preferred to remain in exile rather than face his father’s rejection day after day.

Coming back to a place you’ve fled -- for whatever reason -- isn’t easy. That’s especially true when you realize after you’ve arrived that nothing really has changed. Absalom had to be filled with bitterness. His father had done nothing to punish Amnon for raping Tamar. And when Absalom finally acted -- two years after the fact -- it was he who faced banishment and estrangement from their father.

Life isn’t fair. I’m sure he knew that. I doubt he accepted it. Instead, Absalom let his bitterness grow and turn toward anger and hatred at his father. He craved his father’s love and understanding. Instead, he got rejection. All those emotions had to go somewhere. Unfortunately, that somewhere ended up with David temporarily losing his throne and with Absalom losing his life.

How much better it would have been had father and son actually come together with open hearts. How much better it would have been had David punished Amnon. Or had the brothers fought about it right then. But hurts and injustices that build up over time, never being resolved or even discussed, grow in strength and bitterness. By the time David realized how much he loved his son, Absalom was dead. And then it was too late.

Few things hurt as much as injuries inflicted by family members. It seems that those closest to us, the people who should be quick to defend and protect us, have the greatest power to hurt or destroy us. Some hearts never really mend. Absalom reminds us of what happens when we can’t let go of what we cannot change.

God calls us to forgive those who harm us. Not for them. But for us. When we let go of the anger and bitterness, when we give it to God and trust Him to take care of it, we are freed to move on with our lives. The hurt becomes an old wound. Sure, the scar remains. But the heart is healed, the memories replaced by the soothing ointment of a Father who never betrays, never rejects, never lets us down. A Father who loves us. And, somehow, that is enough.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Let Go Of Anger, Bitterness

Absalom behaved in this way toward all the Israelites who came to the king asking for justice, and so he stole the hearts of the men of Israel. -- 2 Samuel 15:6

Absalom was a very angry, very bitter man. His older brother had raped Absalom’s sister and their father didn’t do a thing about it. So Absalom took his time and, eventually, murdered his brother Amnon. That didn’t satisfy his need for vengeance. I wonder if anything would have.

It’s not that he didn’t have reason to be upset. But who did he hurt the most by staying angry for so long? Who ultimately paid when he turned his anger on his father, King David? How could Absalom really imagine he could take on God’s anointed and survive? He wasn’t thinking and that was the root of the problem.

Nothing Absalom could do would change what happened. Nothing would change David’s response. But forgiveness could change Absalom’s heart. Forgiveness would allow Absalom to move forward and have a productive life. But he just couldn’t, or wouldn’t, let it go. So he plotted to take over his father’s throne. He made another bad decision fueled by anger and bitterness he just couldn’t seem to let go.

What are you holding on to? What do you refuse to hand over to God for justice? What are you allowing to destroy your today for a tomorrow you can’t change/

Understand that giving something to God, letting it go, forgiving day-by-day, doesn’t make it right. It doesn’t wipe away the wrong. It doesn’t give the person responsible a free pass. It just means that you refuse to allow that person to control your today and your tomorrow. It means that you choose to forgive a wrong. It means that you trust God to take care of it in His own way and His own time.

Forgiveness is hard. Sometimes you have to do it again and again. And often the person responsible won’t even acknowledge the wrong, much less ask for forgiveness. Do the people committing the wrongs deserve forgiveness? Probably not. But neither do you or I deserve God’s forgiveness for our sins. We are to forgive -- and let God take care of the rest.

So let it go. Give it away. Move on. You deserve better. God will take care of it. Trust Him. He will put your enemies in their place.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Don’t Silence The Victim

Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet now, my sister; he is our brother. Don’t take this thing to heart. And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.

-- 2 Samuel 13:20

Don’t you just want to scream in frustration when someone talks down to a victim and tells her to be quiet? We mustn’t “air the dirty family laundry.” Besides, “don’t take it so seriously.” “It doesn’t mean anything” anyway. It is just so wrong!

Tamar had been raped by her half-brother. Raped. There’s nothing nice or simple about that. She should have expected outrage from her brother and her father. Instead, her father didn’t do a thing and her brother told her to just be quiet about it.

So often, people secretly blame the victim of a crime. That’s particularly true when it’s an issue such as rape, incest, child abuse or neglect. Those are particularly ugly crimes and we just don’t want to hear about them. And we certainly don’t want to believe that someone we know, someone we may even like, could do something so horrible. So we blame the victim.

Silence only perpetuates that kind of attitude and the victim’s recovery. Tamar never recovered. Two years later her brother killed her attacker. We don’t know if that made her feel better or worse. Because nothing could right the wrong and nothing could restore her rightful place as one of the king’s virgin daughters.

Nothing except the grace of God. I am reminded of a statement a family member made after Elizabeth Smart’s return. This young woman was horribly raped and held captive and yet she was as white, as clean and pure as if it had never happened. God doesn’t blame the victim. So why do we?

Because some crimes are just so ugly to think about that we‘d prefer to hide them in a closet and pretend they never happen. It’s why child abuse doesn’t happen in “good” families. Of course it does. We just look the other way. Same with incest or drug abuse or any number of other crimes.

It scares us to think that someone we know, maybe someone we socialize with, could actually beat the crap out of his spouse. We are horrified to think that our children might be playing with a child being sexually abused night after night. We think that if we pretend it never happens, or it’s the victims’ fault, then we don’t have to dirty up our own little world.

I wonder what would have happened if King David had actually punished his son for raping Tamar? I wonder how life would have changed if Absalom had told his sister she had nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hide? I wonder what would happen? I wonder how things would change if we stopped protecting the abuser and blaming the victim?