Thursday, August 23, 2012

Do What You Must While You Can

Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have. -- 2 Corinthians 8:11-12

There is something surreal about watching a metal gate flying through the air and knocking an 82-year-old man to the ground. I stood there horrified, yet too far away to reach him in time to prevent the gate from hitting him.

Those moments turn seconds into forever, as I rushed to him. Thankfully, God’s hand was on him and he is fine. Bruised. A little sore with a swollen knee. It could have been much, much worse.

He is getting older and yet holding on to yesterday with everything he’s got. I appreciate that. I know it keeps him relatively healthy. Yet I worry that failure to admit he can’t always do the same things, the same way as he did before, will one day kill him.

He doesn’t seem to know when to back down or walk away. It becomes a battle of winning or losing when, really, it isn’t so important. He refuses to see that sometimes backing off is better, allowing him to see a different perspective or try another angle.

And he won’t listen to me at all. Not at all. I’m not the one he wants here and yet I am what he has. Both of us do the best we can to rub along and yet I am forever aware that I will never meet his expectations. It took me a long time to realize that. I wasted a good many years before I finally made an uneasy peace with it all.

I’m tempted sometimes to walk away. To run away. To let someone else handle it all. I joke that I don’t get paid enough for this but no one understands. They see the goodness, the kindness, the laughter. They don’t see the meanness, the hatred, the arrogance.

I long for his love, knowing all the while that I will never have it. So I try to do what I can to ease this passage of time so that he might continue to live with the illusion of being as he’s always been. He rarely acknowledges this unwanted gift, preferring to pretend that he is the helper and I am merely the burden. So be it.

I am doing what God has called me to do. Not because I feel like it, because I don’t. But because it is the right thing to do. Because when the day is done and tomorrow will never be, I want to know that I did all I could.

It isn’t easy. And some days it is scary. Yet I know that one day he won’t get up and life will never, ever be the same. No more chances. No more illusions. Just an aching void where a proud man once stood.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

God Fills The Hole Inside Us

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

-- Philippians 4:19

I have never been enough for anyone. I was the child who wasn't smart enough or pretty enough or coordinated enough. I didn't need to decide those things for myself. I had parents, especially a mother, who told me often enough. I grew up knowing exactly what I wasn't.

The worst part, I think, was constantly being compared to an older brother who was perfect. Oh, I know he wasn't really perfect but his parents thought he was. Sometimes I pretended not to care. Other times I determined that I, too, would be smart and popular and all those other things I wasn't. It didn't seem to matter. I could never reach that level of acceptance that I longed for.

I spent years in therapy trying to sort out my feelings of anger and jealousy. I became a Christian one afternoon as I sat on a grassy embankment, my mother's childhood bible in my lap, and cried out to God. He answered me and the suicide notes I'd already written were never read by anyone else. Still, I felt that empty hole inside me. I longed for someone, anyone at that point, to fill it.

I still didn't understand that no one but God could fill that space within me. I would get on with my life, shoving all my pain deep down inside, and actually pretend to be a person who was successful and totally together. Then I'd destroy it all as my depression resurfaced and I couldn't cope with who and what I was. The pattern repeated itself again and again.

Then one day I looked up and saw the God who'd never given up on me. I remembered that He'd been with me always. He'd never left my side no matter how high I'd gone or how far I'd fallen. He was always there, sometimes like a physical presence, as I cried out in anguish. He was true to me. How could I not be true to Him?

I will never be enough for the people around me. And, frankly, they will never be enough for me. I have something better. I have Jesus Christ who lives within me. I have a Holy Father whose love never waivers and isn't dependent on the size of my bank account or how popular I seem today. He loves me. I belong to Him. I am no longer unwanted. He has claimed me as His child. He has filled the hole inside me with love and acceptance. I love Him so!

Friday, October 29, 2010

God Knows

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence in him." -- Jeremiah 17:7

Life can go from just rolling along to out of control in the time it takes to snap your fingers. It doesn't even have to be the result of something catastrophic, like a car accident or a heart attack. Sometimes it's just the gradual acknowledgment that things are changing and will never be like they were before.

I know someone out there is now reminding me that change can be a good thing. Yes, it can. It also can be a sad thing. Watching your parents grow more frail and lose vital parts of themselves is tough. I realize it's the natural progression of life. I also know I'm fortunate to have them with me (or me with them, since it's their house). I know they're actually in fairly good health for their ages. I also know that, too, is changing.

I'm fortunate that I've been able to share stories and information with friends. So many people around me are facing the same challenges. How do you increasingly become the caregiver to fiercely independent people who really do need help? How do you coax stubborn adults into seeing doctors or making lifestyle changes? It sometimes seems that they believe by ignoring what is happening, they can pretend it isn't.

I can relate to that. I don't feel my age. In my mind I am still around 30, with my entire life waiting to be lived. My reality -- when I face it -- is a road I never imagined and a body that is way slower than I ever thought possible. I, too, pretend it isn't so. But it is. So I understand denying reality. At least I do until that denial starts to make a situation worse.

One friend has a mother whose mind is slowly drifting away. Her mother doesn't realize what's happening and blames those around her. Another friend is helping her parent cope with the loss of both eyesight and mobility. Handing over car keys is agonizing, even when everyone knows it's for the best. Another man worries that his mother's health issues cause severe depression. He tries to lift her up emotionally when she becomes so upset with the limitations that come with age.

I could go on and on. I have no idea where this path will go. Just when I think I'm prepared for anything, something hits from out of nowhere. A new issue, a new challenge, a different direction for the worry I can't seem to prevent. I am so thankful, so grateful, that God is with me on this journey. Even though I don't know where I'm headed, He does. He knows how to navigate the challenges and the joys of this path. I trust Him to see me through.