Tuesday, November 9, 2010

God Fills The Hole Inside Us

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

-- Philippians 4:19

I have never been enough for anyone. I was the child who wasn't smart enough or pretty enough or coordinated enough. I didn't need to decide those things for myself. I had parents, especially a mother, who told me often enough. I grew up knowing exactly what I wasn't.

The worst part, I think, was constantly being compared to an older brother who was perfect. Oh, I know he wasn't really perfect but his parents thought he was. Sometimes I pretended not to care. Other times I determined that I, too, would be smart and popular and all those other things I wasn't. It didn't seem to matter. I could never reach that level of acceptance that I longed for.

I spent years in therapy trying to sort out my feelings of anger and jealousy. I became a Christian one afternoon as I sat on a grassy embankment, my mother's childhood bible in my lap, and cried out to God. He answered me and the suicide notes I'd already written were never read by anyone else. Still, I felt that empty hole inside me. I longed for someone, anyone at that point, to fill it.

I still didn't understand that no one but God could fill that space within me. I would get on with my life, shoving all my pain deep down inside, and actually pretend to be a person who was successful and totally together. Then I'd destroy it all as my depression resurfaced and I couldn't cope with who and what I was. The pattern repeated itself again and again.

Then one day I looked up and saw the God who'd never given up on me. I remembered that He'd been with me always. He'd never left my side no matter how high I'd gone or how far I'd fallen. He was always there, sometimes like a physical presence, as I cried out in anguish. He was true to me. How could I not be true to Him?

I will never be enough for the people around me. And, frankly, they will never be enough for me. I have something better. I have Jesus Christ who lives within me. I have a Holy Father whose love never waivers and isn't dependent on the size of my bank account or how popular I seem today. He loves me. I belong to Him. I am no longer unwanted. He has claimed me as His child. He has filled the hole inside me with love and acceptance. I love Him so!