He Judges Me Worthy
"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, thank you that I am not like other men -- robbers, evildoers, adulterers -- or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'
But the tax collector stood at a distance, He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'"
-- Luke 18:10-13
The Pharisee is alive and well in numerous churches across our land. The self-righteous are shouting their own praises as they walk down the aisles to their established seats. Their eyes rest during the sermon. They've heard it all before. They're satisfied with who and what they are and they'll gladly tell you all about it.
I relate so much with the tax collector. No. I'm not a public official or even as accountant. I'm just a sinner trying to live her life as best she can. I fall down and God picks me, brushes me off and sets me on the correct path once again. It's a path He and I have walked numerous times throughout my life. I know I am not worthy of His love. I am forever amazed at His compassion, His forgiveness and His never ending belief that I am worth all the trouble I cause.
I have been a Christian since I fell to my knees as a teenager, lost and alone and ready to call it quits. My struggle with religion has been ongoing. I am put off by the hypocrites and judges who look down on people who have not always lived a "christian" life. I see people who have struggled in the past try to right their wrongs and move forward toward Christ. And I have seen the people who regularly inhabit churches treat them as unwelcome guests and screw-ups who will never be worthy. It was never what Christ intended when He hung from the cross.
My insecurity fuels my anger. I am deemed unworthy to teach a class or lead a discussion. My great sin? I wasn't raised in church. I read my Bible and pray many times a day. I study alone and with others. I seek knowledge and God's will in all things. I am humbled by all I do not know.
I have at times felt like the child who gets shoved aside so that the adults can have their say. One woman, a long-time Sunday school teacher, is quick to offer correction and guidance on anyone else's comments. She patted herself on the back one Sunday. She'd finally read the Bible from cover to cover. She had passed her 70th birthday. I am amazed and appalled yet she didn't see the hypocrisy in teaching a book she'd never read. She felt justified in seeing herself as above others because she'd spent almost every Sunday morning of her life in church.
I can't go back. I will never be the adult who grew up attending church. I didn't learn all the little songs with hand movements and I didn't memorize all those verses. But I am an adult who loves the Lord with all her heart. I fully understand what He has done for me and what He continues to do for me. I will never be worthy. Ever. I know that. But I also know He sees my heart, He knows where I've been and where I'm trying to go. He has reached out His hands, grabbed my own and pulled me into His embrace. I am loved. He judges me as worthy and that's all I will ever need.
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