Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Don’t Silence The Victim

Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet now, my sister; he is our brother. Don’t take this thing to heart. And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.

-- 2 Samuel 13:20

Don’t you just want to scream in frustration when someone talks down to a victim and tells her to be quiet? We mustn’t “air the dirty family laundry.” Besides, “don’t take it so seriously.” “It doesn’t mean anything” anyway. It is just so wrong!

Tamar had been raped by her half-brother. Raped. There’s nothing nice or simple about that. She should have expected outrage from her brother and her father. Instead, her father didn’t do a thing and her brother told her to just be quiet about it.

So often, people secretly blame the victim of a crime. That’s particularly true when it’s an issue such as rape, incest, child abuse or neglect. Those are particularly ugly crimes and we just don’t want to hear about them. And we certainly don’t want to believe that someone we know, someone we may even like, could do something so horrible. So we blame the victim.

Silence only perpetuates that kind of attitude and the victim’s recovery. Tamar never recovered. Two years later her brother killed her attacker. We don’t know if that made her feel better or worse. Because nothing could right the wrong and nothing could restore her rightful place as one of the king’s virgin daughters.

Nothing except the grace of God. I am reminded of a statement a family member made after Elizabeth Smart’s return. This young woman was horribly raped and held captive and yet she was as white, as clean and pure as if it had never happened. God doesn’t blame the victim. So why do we?

Because some crimes are just so ugly to think about that we‘d prefer to hide them in a closet and pretend they never happen. It’s why child abuse doesn’t happen in “good” families. Of course it does. We just look the other way. Same with incest or drug abuse or any number of other crimes.

It scares us to think that someone we know, maybe someone we socialize with, could actually beat the crap out of his spouse. We are horrified to think that our children might be playing with a child being sexually abused night after night. We think that if we pretend it never happens, or it’s the victims’ fault, then we don’t have to dirty up our own little world.

I wonder what would have happened if King David had actually punished his son for raping Tamar? I wonder how life would have changed if Absalom had told his sister she had nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hide? I wonder what would happen? I wonder how things would change if we stopped protecting the abuser and blaming the victim?

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Talk About Disagreements

"Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar." -- 2 Samuel 13:22

Talk about a royal mess! Brother against brother. And neither would work it out face-to-face. No. That would be too easy. Best to fume in silence than to confront in anger.

Don't get me wrong. Absalom had every right to be furious. Amnon, his half-brother, had raped Tamar, Absalom's sister. Of course, Amnon refused responsibility. He had to have Tamar. Then when he took her by force, he decided he hated her. Castration comes to mind, but that's a personal opinion.

Absalom had something else in mind. Instead of confronting Amnon, Absalom bided his time. Eventually, he killed his brother. Yeah. That's right. He killed him. That's called making a bad situation worse. King David certainly had his hands full with his boys.

But isn't that what so many families do? Rather than face our disagreements openly, we try to either avoid each other or make nice just to keep the peace. The anger and resentment builds until it finally explodes, tearing the family apart.

In any family there are squabbles and jealousy. We aren't as compatible as we might like, bringing many different personalities and quirks to each family gathering. We are bound by blood or by choice. But we are bound, just the same.

We know that David's family was destined to turmoil as punishment for his relationship with Bathsheba. We don't have to face the same fate. We can choose a different way. It's amazing what talking can accomplish. We don't have to interpret or anticipate reactions. We can simply talk. Even if anger emerges, at least it's in the open rather than hidden in the shadows.

No one's family is perfect. We will always fuss and, hopefully, makeup. Family is family. A gift, no matter how it's wrapped.