October 30, 2018

Step Up

But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.

– 1 Timothy 5:4

I’m probably not the person you want to ask when you want advice about taking care of elderly relatives. That’s especially true if you’re looking for excuses or justification for not doing what you know you should do.

I don’t care about your job. I don’t care that you’ve got children. I don’t care that you’ve got a vacation planned or whatever else you’ve decided is your excuse. And I surely don’t want to hear you say that it’s someone else’s responsibility.

I’m pretty vocal about it yet, it seems, I am the one others seek when it comes to advice. Why? Probably because I’ve been there and I tell them the hard truth, whether it’s what they want to hear or not.

Don’t leave someone really sick alone in a hospital room, especially at night. That’s especially true when the person is elderly. This seems so basic to me. Yet, obviously, it’s not something that occurs to many people. If you can’t stay, then have someone else do it. Hire a sitter if you must. But don’t leave them alone.

I once shared an ICU waiting room with an elderly woman and a revolving door of children and grandchildren. The woman’s youngest daughter was in the unit and not doing well. She refused to leave the hospital for fear her daughter would die without her being there. Her children and grandchildren refused to leave the elderly woman there alone. It was such a beautiful site to watch their devotion to their mother and grandmother. It’s rare.

Most people view taking care of someone as an obligation or a duty. They resent it. They resent the intrusion into their lives. They don’t want to rearrange their time to accommodate hospital stays and doctor visits and such. So they make excuses. Again and again they make excuses.

We are responsible for those who once cared for us. It’s never convenient. It requires sacrifice. Don’t miss that word. Sacrifice. We are a selfish people who really only want to do what’s convenient. That’s not reality.

Don’t be meek when it comes to being an advocate for your loved one. It is your responsibility to demand that his or her needs be met at all times. That means paying attention, talking to the doctors and nurses, and being involved. I once walked into an ICU room to find my mother’s blood pressure over 200. Excuse me?! That isn’t acceptable. Ever.

This is just one more reason why you need to be there. It does make a difference. You are talking to doctors and nurses face to face. You are watching the care your loved one receives. You see how much or how little they eat. And on and on.

Most medical professionals are dedicated and will go above and beyond the requirements of their jobs for their patients. But they also need you. No one knows your loved one like you do. Talk to them. Ask questions. Write it down if you must.

Nothing can prepare you for the hard road of caregiving. Nothing. And no one can understand your journey if they have not walked it. Don’t make excuses. Step up. You’ll never regret the sacrifices that come with loving someone through your words and actions.