January 2, 2018

Trust The Lord

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5-6

I memorized those verse long ago. I’ve repeated it to myself so many times over more years than I can count. I believe it. I do. But right now I trust Him and my path is anything but straight. It’s hard not to feel betrayed.

Except this is God we’re talking about. He wants good things for me and you. He knows what He is doing. He always knows the best way. And yet I can’t shake that feeling that He set me up to fail.

Maybe He did. A good friend told me that. Maybe He wanted me to give up something and knew the only way that I would is if I tried it and failed. Really? Wasn’t there a better way – a less painful way – to do that?

This has been a season of much loss. Great loss. Heartbreaking loss. I was just so uncertain about anything and everything. I asked God again and again if this was the right move. I asked Him to block it if it wasn’t in His will. He flung the doors open wide. Or so I thought.

I have failed. Repeatedly. I tried harder. I failed yet again. I thought that maybe God was just delaying the blessing. After all, God led me to this place so He must want me to succeed. Mustn’t He?

How long do I wait? When do I stop believing in the hope I had at first and come to terms with the reality I am facing? And if I was so wrong about this, how can I ever really trust that I am walking in His will?

I don’t know how this journey will end. I don’t really know what tomorrow will bring. I simply get up every morning and work. I don’t know what else to do.

God is faithful. He has carried me when I couldn’t stand on my own. He has never let me down even though I have let Him down more times than I can count. I don’t understand His methods but I know He loves me with an everlasting love. In this life with so many betrayals, God is faithful. Truly. I hold on to that when nothing makes sense anymore.