Thursday, July 12, 2012

Step Off The Treadmill

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. -- Romans 7:15

Let’s have a show of hands out there: How many of you have vowed not to do something and then ended up doing it anyway? And how many of you have been determined to do something and then let it slide again and again?

Yeah. That’s what I thought. All of us have done both at one time or another. The Apostle Paul really understood what it’s like to want to be good and yet to sometimes still be controlled by that sin nature that lives within all of us.

For example, I know that pain causes me to lash out in anger. I try to let it go. I tell myself that it’s okay, it doesn’t matter. And then I get angry for no reason and I know it does matter and I am not okay. It took me years to understand that about myself.

I still haven’t mastered that self-control that is one of the fruits of the Spirit. I want to. I do. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I just want it to all go away. But I don’t have a magic wand and I can’t control what goes on around me.

Pastor Rob calls us to face our pain and deal with those deeper issues that cause frustration. I want to. I do. But somehow I don’t know if I could survive all that pent-up emotion that lies deep inside me.

Years ago I watched a friend grow further and further out of control. He scheduled virtually every moment of every day. Because he couldn’t face the pain of his mother’s rejection. He was unhappy with his life and wanted to control every aspect of every person’s life around him. He wouldn’t slow down because then he’d be forced to face his unhappiness. Our friendship ended when I refused to be his life treadmill partner.

I, on the other hand, just want a day off. I say that with a laugh but, honestly, I’m not sure I’d even know what to do with such a day anymore. I am always tired. Always worn out. Always desperate for a few moments to call my own.

Pastor Rob had something to say about that too: If you’re always tired and worn out, ask yourself what pain you’re running from.

Okay. That hit home. Because I am running, desperately, from hurts I’d rather not face and a future too uncertain to embrace. No wonder I’m exhausted. Worry causes exhaustion. Frustration causes exhaustion. Anger causes exhaustion.

I want a different life. I don’t want to be tired anymore. I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. I don’t want to run away from who I am or deny the gifts God has given to me. And yet the treadmill remains, safely where it’s always been. I do the things that make me unhappy rather than the things I ought to do instead. I know better but I do them anyway.