Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Death Breaks Our Hearts

My heart is in anguish. The terror of death overpowers me. -- Psalm 55:4

It started as a normal day. These things usually do. You go about life, working, running errands, laughing. Never knowing what is about to happen. How your world is about to change.

Later you’ll look back and wonder how you could have been so naïve. Certain tragedies are impossible to prepare for and even when you think you have, you really haven’t. Because you can’t. Your heart can’t imagine the depth of anguish some changes can bring.

I’ve been studying the book of James with a wonderful group of women. Two days ago we heard Beth Moore talk about how God turns anguish into joy -- if we let him. She asked us to remember the last time we’d felt anguish, which is so much greater than sadness or sorrow.

The moments immediately after I learned my best friend had died flashed through my mind. It wasn’t the last time I’d experienced anguish but it is a moment in time that will forever haunt me. I remember saying all the right things as I spoke with his mother on the phone. Then I sat alone, literally doubled over in pain, as my body convulsed in sobs.

Perhaps I remembered that moment first because I’ve never really gotten over it. My life changed dramatically, in ways I couldn’t begin to imagine at the time. Sudden death snatches away plans and dreams and all those tomorrows you’d once counted on having.

Without his death, I would not be where I am now. I would not have become the woman who held a tiny puppy in her arms for months, until that little girl grew too big to be carried. Her big brown eyes and sweet personality comforted and strengthened me as I dealt with rejection yet again.

She lost her battle with cancer yesterday. I wasn’t prepared. Her appetite was good. That tail still wagged a greeting every time she saw me. And she could get up and tell the news when a stranger showed up at the house.

But cancer is cruel and her body couldn’t take it anymore. Another loss. Another heartbreak. Another empty hole in my heart that will never be filled.

I know some people don’t understand how I could possibly write about the death of a dog in the same column as the death of a man. I feel sorry for them because they’ve never experienced the selfless love of an animal.

I know the days to come will be hard, just as I know time will ease the pain. But right now my arms ache to hold that precious girl one more time. Anguish fills my soul.